Mollie, our golden retriever, came to us at 4 years old with a rough story. Put out in a woman’s backyard, rarely brought in and poorly fed, she was a victim of the heat, cold, and severe weather. Though we have certainly spoiled her in every possible way, she is a bottomless pit of need. She’s always begging for food and paws someone for attention relentlessly. Though she came to us a bit withdrawn, once she got a taste of love, she couldn’t get enough. She watches us eat our meal as she sits eye level with the table, her ears perked up, waiting for a morsel of something. She’s hard to resist and finally we fall for it. I’ll say to Ron, “Just give her one piece so she’s satisfied.” I should know better. Once she’s had a bite, the pestering gets worse.
People are a lot like that. All of us grow up with imperfect relationships. Those with happier childhoods don’t seem to live with that gaping hole in their heart but if you come from profound deprivation, you are aware of a bottomless pit no one can fill. The more you’ve been hurt, the higher the expectations you have of the people in your life. Why? Probably because the stakes are high. You don’t want to be hurt again so you feel the need to make the test for love and sincerity steep! If you have not found your home in Jesus, you experience needs that feel monumental. You might think that one gesture of love, one compliment, one affirmation will make a dent in making your heart feeling fuller. But nothing satisfies because the void is God-shaped. Other’s compassion can easily morph into an unhealthy attachment.
Are you in a relationship that is unsatisfying? Perhaps you’d admit that the other person has often come through for you but they just don’t do it often enough or well enough. What has been meaningful in the past is blurred by your ongoing need for more. You want more proof, deeper proof, that you are important and that their love is true. The unfortunate thing is that the more you need, the more the other person backs up. Anger and distrust are soon to follow.
High expectations are met in the love of Christ but let me qualify. He has already proven His love. He came to me when I was His enemy. He died for my crimes as if He committed them Himself. He’s given me His heart, His nature, and shares His eternal inheritance. This love exceeds all expectations. So, I have to be careful that, in my immaturity, I don’t come to God with a list of demands. “If you love me, then You’ll do ‘this’.” His love is already perfect. Picking up my cross is not the same as God withholding. He is not a Father of deprivation but of extravagance.
But for this purpose I have raised you up, to show you my power, so that my name may be proclaimed in all the earth. Exodus 9:16 
A secure child is comfortable in their own skin.
Sometimes poor Christian teaching sets me up for trouble. I was taught that to be like Jesus, one must consistently be gentle as a dove.
Here are some questions you’ve probably asked yourself.
While my parents were wonderful to provide for our physical needs, emotional needs were ignored. Not intentionally. They weren’t cruel people but neither of them were able to give my sister and myself what they never received. That’s the truth behind the behavior of every person. Without Jesus, we can not give away what we have not first experienced ourselves. In our house, we were never taught how to live life. Not knowing how to navigate events was hard enough but even more dangerous was the absence of teaching about understanding people. How do you handle a bully? How do you handle a conflict? How do you handle the loss of a grandparent? How do you handle money? How do you handle the minefields of adolescence? All of these common life experiences had to be dealt with the best way a child knew how.
What was your most humiliating incident?
I am made in God’s image, I have a knowledge of what it’s like to be loved perfectly. That’s the reason it hurts so much when I’m not loved like He loves. God created me for the garden, not for fallen earth. When I cry alone in my room as a little child and no one comes to comfort me, my heart knows that something is terribly wrong. Pain tells me that! My longing for someone’s arms to comfort me is so strong and the problem comes with what I conclude about myself when I continually cry alone. I believe something must be wrong with me, not them. I reason that if I were not flawed, I’d be lovable. I also might conclude that it will always end badly if I choose to be vulnerable. I will also assume that God won’t be available emotionally. either I will feel that I have to hide my pain from Him. Prayer will be uncomfortable. Developing a better prayer life will not be anywhere near the top of my priority list. And why would it if I feel I can’t be honest with God and count on a loving response?
Though the adults in my life as a child were wonderful people, they didn’t really engage children. I rarely remember anyone having a conversation with me. I was lonely and wondered what it would be like to feel valued. Did grownups really ask children why they were crying? Did they want to know what they were thinking and what they dreamt of becoming? This wasn’t the world I knew.
As you read the definition of a spiritual orphan and how that person forages off the land, does that describe your life?
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