There are only so many times I will ask someone to love me. There comes a point when it hurts too much to put my request out there again. It’s easier to do without than to be repeatedly refused.
This is also true when I share a struggle with someone close by and it’s handled badly. The person may be distant, distracted, even cruel or judgmental. It’s easier to do without so I hide my pain. But all of this assessing is not conscious on my part when I’m a child.
I am made in God’s image, I have a knowledge of what it’s like to be loved perfectly. That’s the reason it hurts so much when I’m not loved like He loves. God created me for the garden, not for fallen earth. When I cry alone in my room as a little child and no one comes to comfort me, my heart knows that something is terribly wrong. Pain tells me that! My longing for someone’s arms to comfort me is so strong and the problem comes with what I conclude about myself when I continually cry alone. I believe something must be wrong with me, not them. I reason that if I were not flawed, I’d be lovable. I also might conclude that it will always end badly if I choose to be vulnerable. I will also assume that God won’t be available emotionally. either I will feel that I have to hide my pain from Him. Prayer will be uncomfortable. Developing a better prayer life will not be anywhere near the top of my priority list. And why would it if I feel I can’t be honest with God and count on a loving response?
Knowing that God is loving and believing that God will love me when I’m hurting can elicit two different responses. I can know the first but deny the second. This is why the father of a son suffering from a demonic spirit told Jesus, “I believe You can deliver him but help my unbelief.” Knowing and feeling the same thing can be far apart.
Have you repeatedly held out your arms to someone – expecting to be received – but weren’t? You decided to put down your arms and play it safe. You swore you’d never need them again but God is not like any father, mother, or friend. Rejection can be healed, and only be healed, in the welcoming embrace of Abba Father.
If you are one who hides their pain, start researching scriptures that talk about God listening, comforting, receiving. Live in these scriptures and be sure to engage the 2nd birth agent….the Holy Spirit. As you read the verses and meditate on them, ask the Spirit to breathe over you so that His Words can penetrate your heart. Ask Him to write those scriptures on the doorposts of your new foundation. It is possible to not only know the truth that God receives you, but feel it.
Lord, I choose to believe David’s words in Psalm 116: I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live.” Psalm 116:1-2. My heart yearns to know this. Amen