Category: Orphan Or Daughter

Jesus said that the road to eternal life is narrow and few find it.  The road to destruction is a superhighway and it is the majority who travel on it.  What’s the difference between the person who chooses the narrow road over the one who stays on the expressway?  The willingness to hear Jesus’ call and abandon the mainstream. 

A secure child is comfortable in their own skin.  Their uniqueness has probably been celebrated and they’ve been taught they can dare to be different. Spiritual orphans, however, need to belong somewhere so badly that they’ll live like chameleons; contorting to fit in just to have a sense of family.  They will rarely deviate from group opinion for fear of consequences.  This was me, in many ways, for 40 years.  As a teen, I allowed a few bullies to hold me hostage.  As a young adult already in public ministry, I did what a few of the powerful people in my life asked me to do and avoided those whom I perceived were unhappy with me.  Type A personalities were eager to lead me their way.  To make them happy, I followed their plans for me.  In return, they built up my fragile sense of self.    

How comfortable are you with your group of friends?  If all of them agree on a subject and you don’t, do they know it?  If you hold back your beliefs, is it out of fear or because God is leading you to choose HIS time to disclose them?  Big difference in the two choices.   How comfortable are you with your family?  There is a family way of thinking and of doing things. Are you the one who will respectfully disagree with family members when your walk with Jesus is compromised or do you keep quiet and just conform?  Leaving town is considered your best option. 

Can you imagine how early Jesus had to stand alone in the midst of friends and family?  It might have been as early as an elementary age child when He played with his friends.  All kids are naughty and He would have been encouraged to participate in their mischief.  He said ‘no’ and I’m quite sure He paid for it.  Think of the teen years.  Consider living righteously among siblings when they are testing their adolescent wings.  Jesus’ perfection would have cut across the grain of their choices and their justifications.  Perhaps their blindness to His divinity really started in childhood when they were offended by their brother’s goodness.  

 Each child of God is unique and so are their gifts and callings. Few endeavor to discover the person God created them to be because they are too busy being defined by others and trying to live up to others’ expectations.  It takes effort to find security in God alone.  As long as we are intimidated by the demands of people, we will live like orphans, not well-loved children of God.  Our banner is Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my Light and my Salvation.  Whom Shall I fear?  The Lord is the strength of my life.  Of whom shall I be afraid.”  If you are a spiritual orphan consumed with people pleasing, this is your verse.  Speak it under your breath at every juncture.

You are my Light to find the narrow road.  You are my Salvation from conforming.  Whom shall I fear, Lord?  I fill in all the names and remember they are created beings. Not like you.    Amen

To exercise discernment, I must be willing to assess, then take whatever action is necessary.  Sometimes that means moving toward someone or walking away.  But if I feel desperate for love, I will feel that I can’t afford to refuse anyone who promises it.  The problem is that people with an agenda appear to love well.  Everything they say sounds heartfelt and they are eager to make promises. Before long, I find myself trapped in a relationship and it feels too complicated to extricate myself.  Those who love with strings attached will always weave a web. They appeal to my vulnerabilities and know how to speak my language.  They discern where, and how, I need to be loved and promise to be what I need.  They are good at making themselves irreplaceable.  

Sometimes poor Christian teaching sets me up for trouble. I was taught that to be like Jesus, one must consistently be gentle as a dove.  There was simply no teaching on how to also be wise as a serpent.  It’s critical to know how to implement both sides of Jesus’ teaching.  “Behold, I am sending you out as sheep in the midst of wolves, so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.”  Matt. 10:16   As a spiritual orphan, I’ve been taken in by people who preyed on my gentle nature.  They banked on the probability that I would not refuse their aggressive attempts to come close and label me their intimate friend.  In my gut, I had red flags but I felt it was un-Christlike to back away.  Though I remained distant for a while, they were relentless in their pursuit of me.  Not wanting to be unloving, I finally caved in.  Both in personal and business/ministry relationships, I suffered the profound consequences of poor choices.  In one such case, it was for two decades.  

Our greatest lessons come from greatest failures!  While orphans don’t have the upbringing that teaches them how to understand people, daughters in God’s kingdom need not be naive.  As our perfect Parent, God is our Counselor and Guide.  He teaches us how to listen to our gut – that place where the Spirit of God is usually speaking.  He teaches by example ~ sending us to places in scripture where Jesus was discerning.  Our Lord was a master at reading people’s agendas.  Sometimes, His answers were more convicting and sharp than they were tender.  It is imperative that I embrace good theology and realize that the gentleness of a dove and the wisdom of a serpent are both righteous and necessary qualities if I’m to live like Jesus.  I must guard my heart and make solid decisions on how to live in the safety of righteous company.  Comfort and confrontation are needed bedfellows.

I am never desperate enough for love that I should move close to someone unsafe.  God loves me like no one else so He is the ‘cake’ and people are the ‘icing’.  When I make people the ‘cake’ and God the ‘icing’, I make poor decisions about relationships.  Oh, daughter ~ cry out today for His voice and live in the place of wisdom – God’s Words.  “For the LORD gives wisdom; from His mouth come knowledge and understanding.” Proverbs 2:6

Every day, I’m making choices who to let in to my life.  Please guide me and teach me and sharpen my discernment skills.  Give me Your eyes for people.  Amen

If I’m a spiritual orphan, I have no roadmap for knowing how to function in a relationship.  How could it be otherwise?  An orphan’s early life was void of relationships so knowing how to relate to others, even superficially, is absent.  

Here are some questions you’ve probably asked yourself.  I’d love to be close to someone but how do I know when ‘close’ is ‘too close’?  When is it okay to need a friend, spouse, or child, and when is my need out of balance?  Can others sense my deep emptiness and if so, do they avoid me? 

I’ve been a spiritual orphan and, after redemption, I’ve mentored a few spiritual orphans.  I had one of them ask me, “Am I toxic to you?”  And later, this.  “When you see me coming, do you sigh in weariness?”  The questions are surely ones that make one squirm but they were asked in desperation.  Fear of abandonment was driving them.  

Before I can relate to anyone deeply in a healthy way, I have to know how to relate to my Heavenly Father.  He is the instructor of the heart.  He is Wisdom.  His guidance is specific and He invites me to come home to Him.  He offers to be my Father in whatever ways I need Him.  The good news is ~ I can not need too much. He’s always glad to see me coming.  The more I need Him, the more He likes it and blesses me.  As I spend time with Him in study, prayer, and meditation…my needs will be re-defined.  Over time, I will feel the desperate need in my heart for others tempered.  God does spiritual surgery on me even when I sleep.  

In the safety of my relationship with Him, I learn how to be intimate.  I learn to look to Him first for what only He can give.  I learn to sense His nudging when I’m around others.  He may cause me to think twice before saying something inappropriate.  He also may prompt me to ask for help when I really need it.  On this frightening journey of connecting to others, He is my guide.  I will learn ~ sometimes people come through for you.  And just as often, they don’t.  And when they don’t, my Father waits for me to come home to heal.  His frustration with others’ choices is evident and if the offense is bad enough, I sense a measure of righteous anger in His heart.  I learn that He is ‘for me’ and not ‘against me.’  And He longs to heal me when humans are flawed if I will just live with Him in His presence.  Why did I wait so long to go home?  Why did I run from the very One I needed all along?  Those are the questions!

Who is like my God?  No one.  He said in Isaiah 46.  Listen to me, I have cared for you since you were born. Yes, I carried you before you were born.  I will be Yours throughout your lifetime—until your hair is white with age. I made you, and I will care for you. I will carry you along and save you.

Intimacy.  Lord, You know I craved it like water.  I found it, first, in You. Amen

Have you ever faced an event for which you were unprepared?  Each of us have taken a pop quiz in school without the benefit of preparation. Some children, though, are raised in homes where there is little or no instruction for life.  They never know what’s coming and what the experience will be like; whether it’s the first day of school, a trip to the doctor or dentist, or getting their tonsils taken out unexpectedly.  The result of living without instruction is that they are perpetually unprepared.  Anxiety is their bedfellow.  It appears that most every person around them lives carefree in comparison to themselves.  Others seem to know what to do next while they are frantically trying to figure it out.  There is no confidence from parental involvement.

While my parents were wonderful to provide for our physical needs, emotional needs were ignored.  Not intentionally.  They weren’t cruel people but neither of them were able to give my sister and myself what they never received.  That’s the truth behind the behavior of every person.  Without Jesus, we can not give away what we have not first experienced ourselves.  In our house, we were never taught how to live life.  Not knowing how to navigate events was hard enough but even more dangerous was the absence of teaching about understanding people.  How do you handle a bully?  How do you handle a conflict?  How do you handle the loss of a grandparent?  How do you handle money?  How do you handle the minefields of adolescence?  All of these common life experiences had to be dealt with the best way a child knew how.

God is not an absentee parent.  He doesn’t adopt me into His family, hand me the Scriptures, and then tell me to do the best I can.  He is as engaged as I need Him to be.  King David, all through the Psalms, praises God for His instruction.  The Hebrew concept for ‘giving instruction’ is what happens when you shoot an arrow at a target.  The arrow is aimed with a target in mind and it  penetrates the very spot for which it was intended.  God is a Father who brings targeted instruction in the very area I ask for it.  In prayer and meditation, He is specific.  “Go here, not there.  Do this, not that.”  I never need to figure out anything on my own.  His intimate involvement in my life heals all former abandonments.  His Word comes like a strategic arrow.

Every child at one time or another has thought of packing his bags and leaving home.  What would happen?  He’ll end up on the streets with a small backpack and the stuff of life will require him to cope the best way he can.  This orphan-like existence is not to characterize any child of the King.  Listen to this testimony from Psalm 119.  Oh, how I love all you’ve revealed; I reverently ponder it all the day long. Your commands give me an edge on my enemies; they never become obsolete. I’ve even become smarter than my teachers since I’ve pondered and absorbed your counsel. I’ve become wiser than the wise old sages simply by doing what you tell me.  If you are one who has lived without instruction, live in scriptures like this one and be sure to engage the 2nd birth agent….the Holy Spirit.  Ask the Spirit to breathe over you so that you become fully assured that He has Your back and is taking care of you if you ask for guidance.

I’m on the road of life, with You, and You’ve got me by the hand.  Amen

Confidence, a healthy confidence, is a wonderful thing.  Well loved children from stable homes usually have it unless someone on the outside has corrupted it with bullying and/or public humiliation.  There are precious few who are not afraid to answer questions in a class.  The rest think twice before raising their hand.  Introverts really struggle with it but so do many extroverts.  Why?  Because of the risk of embarrassment and humiliation.

What was your most humiliating incident?  You probably don’t have to think too hard.  The memory of it is always readily there to replay.  The enemy makes sure of that.  For me, it was a moment in the recording studio.  For one project, I had a coveted producer in Christian circles.  I was excited when he asked to be involved in one of my later albums.  He was exceptionally gifted and the good news is that when you pleased him with a performance, you felt the light of his favor.  When he wasn’t happy, you felt like a worthless musician.  On one particular day in the studio, I had sung a verse to a song over 50 times.  He had asked for a certain interpretation that I just wasn’t feeling.  Finally, exasperated, he pushed the intercom button and said for all to hear.  “She’s never going to get it.  I give up.  Let’s go have lunch!”  I’m not sure he was ever really happy with the song, or with me.  Every time I hear that CD and the song comes up, the memory is vivid. 

Confident adults have a firm sense of who they are.  They were probably defined well by the people who raised them; their heart was affirmed, their personality accepted, their gifts discussed and defined.  But without such a home, in a family where conversation and engagement were absent, identity is one huge void waiting to be shaped by anyone powerful.    Humiliation feels like it’s a threat on every corner. 

One of the scriptures God used mightily to call me out of hiding was this one from the Psalms.  

He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.Psalm 18:19   Shy. Retreating. Slow to speak. Finding safety in mainstream thinking. Afraid of creativity.  Condemning self-talk.  These were the places from which Jesus called me one day in prayer.  I saw Him extend His hand down into the pit to give me a hand as I climbed out.  The invitation was clear.  “Come out and live with Me in spacious places.  No barriers.  No fear.  All thoughts and ideas are welcome.  No humiliation in My kingdom.”  Before I could feel safe with people, I had to learn to feel safe with Jesus.  Words became plentiful.  Creativity was born.  How well I remember the day I left the cave of wordlessness.

If you are one who fears embarrassment, start researching scriptures like Psalm 18:19.  Live in them and be sure to engage the 2nd birth agent….the Holy Spirit.  Ask the Spirit to breathe over you so that His invitation to spacious places can penetrate your heart.

For every daughter in the shadows, let her hear Your call to step into the light.  Amen

Orphan Profile #1 

I LOOK INSIDE OTHER PEOPLE’S WINDOWS AND WISH MY LIFE WERE DIFFERENT

Unhappy with our lives, we will peek into the windows of other’s lives and wish we could be part of their family.  We do it as children and unless we make our home Jesus, we will do it until we die.  That hole of never belonging will drive us toward those who appear to have what we need.

Though the adults in my life as a child were wonderful people, they didn’t really engage children.  I rarely remember anyone having a conversation with me.  I was lonely and wondered what it would be like to feel valued.  Did grownups really ask children why they were crying?  Did they want to know what they were thinking and what they dreamt of becoming?  This wasn’t the world I knew.

When I was seven, Robin, a friend from church, invited me to her grandmother’s house on a  Saturday afternoon.  My friend was turning 8 and her grandma was going to throw a doll’s tea party for her.  She invited only me and told me to bring my favorite doll.  My mother drove me there and walked me to the front door.  When it opened, her grandma (a spirited woman named Birdie) burst with excitement and greeted me.  She knelt down to my eye level and said, “Well, Christine…how are you today?  I’m so glad you came to my house on this beautiful afternoon.” Just for a moment, I wondered what it would be like to be a part of her family.  The thrill of being engaged like that stayed with me.  I will never forget how it felt and can easily tear up just telling you the story.

Throughout my teen years and into my early adult years, I was prone to envision becoming a part of other’s families.  I can name three without thinking too long.  I had to work overtime not to appear needy and I was probably aloof to overcompensate.  The ache went with me into my 40’s.

As you read this, perhaps you identify with my story.  You know what it’s like to go on vacation and see other mothers, or fathers, playing with their children and finding joy in their company.  There are so many present day reminders that trigger the longing from the past.  Are you relegated to live in want and neglect?  You probably give your children what you still crave for yourself.

Remember, you got a new Father at your 2nd birth.  He will move over you to begin to fill the empty void your early family created.  You are not meant to know perpetual emptiness.  How?  Here’s the homework.  For every orphan profile that describes you, and it may be 10 out of 10 or 1 out of 10, make healing from that your spiritual journey for the next year.  If you are looking in other’s windows, start researching scriptures that talk about God wooing, God accepting, God making you His and creating a place to belong.  Live in these scriptures and be sure to engage the 2nd birth agent….the Holy Spirit.  As you read the verses and meditate on them, ask the Spirit to breathe over you so that His Words can penetrate your heart.  Ask Him to write those scriptures on the doorposts of your new foundation.  Seek Him and He will be found!

  Lord, You said ~ “Though my mother and father forsake me, You would receive me.”   Ps. 27:10  We are often barely moved  by this unless Your Spirit hovers over us to create a place in our hearts where Your Word can permanently rest.  Make a way for us to know and feel that we, individually, belong to You.   Amen