When Life Isn’t What I Dreamed It Would Be

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You. Psalm 39:7

Last night, this quote from John Piper was sent to me. It struck me so deeply that I actually dreamt about it.

Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped it would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have. John Piper/Desiring God Ministries

Life is a series of losses to be grieved. On the other side, God waits to be embraced and that is the most difficult thing of all. Satan wants me to believe that I’m forced to embrace the One who withheld my dreams. The very idea of intimacy with God, in that case, is distasteful. Who wants to be a friend with the person who has hurt you the most!

I have to look at the broader picture and take myself off center stage. Every chosen man and woman in Christian history was favored, but then afflicted. The ones who triumphed and experienced some unforgettable mountaintops along the way did so by trusting in the character of God. In spite of suffering, they partnered with a God who loved them and called them.

While Piper’s quote is short, each part penetrates and challenges.

I weep deeply over my disappointments. Tears are not the end of my journey but they are a part of it. It takes courage to admit that my hope has been spent. Think of the times you may have commented to someone, ‘You must be broken hearted!’ Rarely does someone admit it. The hurt is minimized because down deep, we suspect we can’t survive coming to such a conclusion.  Instead, we give our pat answers. ‘It’s just a bump in the road.’ ‘I’m a little sad but I’ll get over it.’ For me to know true joy, I have to embrace the unvarnished truth. Otherwise, unspent grief spills out in depression and/or anger. Most spend their lives trying to numb out pain.

I grieve the losses. Nothing is as intimidating. I believe that if I start crying, the tears will have no end. It’s an illusion. While much of grieving is solitary, I remain in a small community to keep my perspective. I surround myself with those who will encourage grief and not condemn. They speak Jesus’ words over me and give me whatever time is needed to emerge from the ashes. This is one reason not to make shallow people your best friends. Continue reading “When Life Isn’t What I Dreamed It Would Be”

When Jesus Doesn’t Feel Like Enough

You let your mouth loose in evil And your tongue frames deceit. “You sit and speak against your brother; You slander your own mother’s son. “These things you have done and I kept silence.  Psalm 50:19-21

Nothing stirs up our flesh like family rivalry.  The personality and gifts of one child can be celebrated more than the uniqueness of another child.  Or, a mother favors one while the father favors another.  From birth, affections and privileges can be divided.  It would appear that harmony among children is often doomed from the start.

Siblings can spend their lives at odds.  The tension is never resolved.  Family inheritances only add to further alienate relationships.  Even in old age, the stuff of youth is rehearsed.  A bystander in their thirties marvels that brothers and sisters in their seventies are still arguing.  Not until they get much older will they understand that childhood offenses seem like yesterday.   A brother or sister can be despised all the way to their deathbed because of something that was done or said during their teen years.  Because our past replays vividly on the jumbo screen of our heart, the wounds stay fresh.

Love, respect, favor, and wealth?  How can life-long prejudices dissolve?  Someone new must arrive on the scene to offer something that is greater in value than what we lost.  Someone has ~ and His name is Jesus.  Healing for severely fractured families is possible but only as they come together to love and worship Jesus.  As each one’s appetite is transformed by beholding the beauty and glory of Christ, the stuff that comprised their arguments seems miniscule.  Every family member comes to realize that what they had been fighting over is a trinket compared to the gifts Jesus freely offers.  And, He is no respecter of persons.

Perhaps I have a life-long angst regarding other members of my family.  All I have to do is think about that person and my insides are churning.  Being loved by Jesus and becoming emotionally engaged with my spiritual birthright melts away resentment.  What I seek, I already have in Christ.  It may be hope deferred but it is real and it is mine.  If it doesn’t seem like enough to my heart, I must ask God to open my heart to incomparable gift of Him!  Is He not powerful enough to transform my affections?

Open my spiritual eyes to see the value of You and everything You long to give.  Help me re-orient my soul so that my hands are clutching You instead of things that perish. In Jesus name, Amen

Journal Question:  What memory from childhood still haunts you?  What is so unfair that the hurt it generates eats away at your flesh like a cancer?  What are you trying to extract from another family member that you could abandon today for what Jesus offers?  Today can be the day you turn a page in your history.  How badly do you want freedom?

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When God Makes Our Enemies Fear Us

For by You I can run upon a troop; And by my God I can leap over a wall.  Psalm 18:29

How does God protect us if we are His child? He nudges us to take a different route, buy a different house, even make a different friend. He’ll send angels to stand guard to keep us from harm. What’s little known is how God directly warns our enemies to stay away from us. He shuts the ‘mouth of the lions’ and puts a watch on their tongue. Certainly not all the time though. He didn’t even do this every single time for Jesus. Like Him, we will be hated and are called to carry a cross. But God has a destiny for each of us, a purpose for which we were born. He will take us safely through all He has ordained for us to do and protect us when His purposes are threatened.

Some examples ~ God came to Laban in his own Aramean tongue and told him what to say to Jacob. He came to the heathen King Abimelech to keep him from touching Sarah, Abraham’s wife. He also spoke to Balaam to prevent him from cursing the children of Israel.  God shut the mouths of Jesus enemies after one of his public sermons. Though they wanted to kill him, he walked right through the group and disappeared.

I can know that spiritual enemies are on God’s leash. No one will prevail over God’s child if it is outside of His will. He will intervene somehow even if it means speaking directly to our enemy. Have you ever encountered a dark person who seemed afraid of you? Perhaps you were confused about it. In these post-Christian days where society is rapidly deteriorating, we should be savvy enough to realize that this will become commonplace. The more oppressed the person, the more sparks will be generated when a child of God is in the same room.

A closing thought however. The safest child of God is an obedient one. I shouldn’t expect God’s protection if I’ve taken a self-willed detour. God made it clear from the beginning. ‘Obey me and you’ll be blessed. Disobey me and you’ll be led into captivity.’ God does protect but I can only count on God having my back if I am walking in Jesus’ footsteps.

It’s humbling to think about all the times you restrained my enemies yet I accused you of being absent from my life. Again, I’m sorry. How I praise You for being a present and active Father. Amen

Satan Will Use God’s Word Against Me

Hold not your peace, oh God of my praise. Psalms 109:1

Has the Word of God ever tormented you? Conviction is one thing; torment is altogether different. God is not a tormentor and yet, when it’s the Word of God that appears to eat at my soul, it can do tricks on my spiritual view of God. He becomes a tease.

 I need to know that Satan is cunning. Paul warned me. But I am afraid that as the serpent deceived Eve by his cunning, your thoughts will be led astray from a sincere and pure devotion to Christ. 2 Cor. 11:3   The Word, rightly revealed, brings me closer to Jesus. My appetite for Him increases and I can’t help myself from drawing nearer. But Satan will quote scripture (as he did to Jesus) and weave truths together in a way that triggers my issues. How will I know that it’s him working against me rather than the Spirit of God convicting me? I will be led astray from my devotion to Christ. I will find myself backing up, growing shy, beginning to feel distrustful of God’s love for me. I’ll give you an example.

Up until my early forties, Satan did a number on me through hooking two spiritual truths together. 1. God loves me just the way I am – enough to come and die for me. And, 2.) God’s will for my life is that I grow to become more like His Son. Combine those and it’s deadly. How can God love me just like I am if He wants me to spend my whole life changing to become like Jesus? Feeling continually inadequate, I feared drawing close to Him. I could only trust His love if I felt I was acting Christlike. See the trap?

Where are you stuck in your relationship with Christ? Where are you shy of Him? Over what do you back up rather than move closer? Find the answer to those questions and I’ll guarantee that God’s Words have been used against you. The devil knows scripture better than any of us and is not above quoting it out of context. We could be paranoid and say that we’re helpless against such craftiness but we must remember that we have the Spirit of God inside to guide each of us into the way of truth. When I identify feelings of torment, I know to go hunting for the lies that caused it.

Lord, I don’t know who this devotional is for today. Reveal the mis-used scriptures and set the captives free. In Jesus name, Amen

The Object of Someone’s Wrath

Who considers the power of your anger, and your wrath according to the fear of you? Psalm 90:11

Many live as the object of someone’s wrath. Through no fault of their own, they share the same last name with someone who harbors rage over the ways their life has failed to deliver what they think they deserved. As the list of offenses pile up, so does their anger. The reservoir is full and it just takes the mildest of annoyances to cause an overflow. When I think about an explosive person, I picture them as having no elastic left in the rubber band of their patience. It has already been stretched out by stuff prior to a present day encounter. It just takes something minor for the band to snap.

If you’ve lived long enough as the object of someone’s wrath, these things are probably true of you:

  • You assume that you’re the problem. Angry people are skilled at blame shifting.
  • You suffer from extreme anxiety. You never know what is going to cause an explosion.
  • You cease to become yourself. A life of appeasement is your insurance policy against outbreaks.
  • You hate yourself for being weak. But you fail to see that what appears as weakness is often prudence to ensure survival.

While implementing spiritual coping skills is the topic of another devotional, there is something far more pressing to talk about. If I am a child of God, I was once the object of God’s wrath. Now that is terrifying. I could do nothing right. My sin marked me. I couldn’t fix it. Only Jesus could. His wrath condemned me to an eternal place of wrath. But hell was not created for me.

Paul said it like this ~ We were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us . . . Eph. 2:3-4 Never has there been a transition in scripture more beautiful than this. “But God. . .” Because Jesus took the wrath God had stored up for me upon Himself, I am now under His favor. When the heavens open, the light of God’s radiance pours down on me. I can stand tall, cast off the shame, and look up confidently for reassurances of God’s love.

Now the real tragedy is this ~ many of God’s children act as though God is still angry with them. The news from the soapbox of this ministry today is broadcasted loud and clear. God is not mad at you.

I am loved with Your everlasting love. In Your name, I silence the mouth of the enemy who tells me something is still wrong with our relationship. Amen

The Compliant Person and Regret

Oh, how I love your law!  It is my meditation all the day.  Psalm 119:97

I will value something more if I’ve suffered from the want of it.  If I lived much of my life without the daily revelation that comes through a relationship with God and His Word, then I will embrace it now with intense passion.  The contrast between how desperate I was without the words of Jesus compared to what it’s like to live now with His presence and guidance will be stark.  I’m not speaking hypothetically here.  I’m speaking from experience.

But some who know me say, “Wait!  You’ve been a Christian since you were seven years old.  What do you mean you didn’t know the joy of following God’s ways?” I will tell you that it might have appeared I did.  But I took the paths other Christians prescribed for me.  I was a compliant person and when put me in the company of strong willed visionaries, I caved to fit in.  I wanted acceptance more than I wanted to know the joy of pioneering my way with God.

For the first 40+ years of my life, I lived by other people’s rudder.  When faced with any challenge, I asked those around me, “What would you do?” It seemed there was always a plethora of answers to follow.  Most were given with good intentions and with firm conviction.  Not knowing how to really hear God’s Spirit speak to me, I felt I needed their direction and chose to always trust it.  While some advice was solid, much of it was not.  Over time, I harbored bad feelings toward those whose advice led me astray.  I also punished myself for being so weak as to listen to them.  There was no winning, no peace.  Regrets buried me.  I had to work my way through the mire of disappointments to find the sovereignty of God.  He has more than redeemed it all as I’m writing this.

Do I echo David’s words and proclaim my love for His personalized instruction in scripture?  Oh yes!  Have I turned into a lone ranger who never asks others for counsel?  No.  It’s just that now I have a place to go to weigh their words.  God will confirm the validity of their input or direct me to go a different way.  His law is life and throughout my day, I have the absolute joy of being utterly preoccupied with it.

I am only compliant to Your Spirit, the place where my independence melts away.  Amen

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When Others Won’t Let You Forget

Reproach hath broken my heart; and I am full of heaviness: and I looked for some to take pity, but there was none; and for comforters, but I found none.  Psalm 69:20

The Psalmist knew human nature.  He knew that we are often punished for the breadth of a lifetime for mistakes we’ve made.  Grace, even from Christians, can be absent.

Some families don’t forget words spoken in a scathing argument, even though the blowup might have been twenty years ago.  People in our hometowns may gossip about the choices we made in our teens whenever we come home to visit.  Even church congregations have a way of reminding us of the sins for which we’ve already repented.  Many of us probably knows what it’s like to wear a scarlet letter.

God, because of His mercy, loves to offer a clean slate on the other side of forgiveness.  People just don’t give that kind of gift easily.  We are fragile beings, petrified of being hurt again or being made to look like a fool again.  God is so different.  He will grant me unconditional pardon even in the face of the high probability that I’ll sin the same way again. Will He be hurt when it happens?  Yes.  But even then, He won’t compile all my previously confessed sins and use the great number of them as a way of disqualifying my next act of repentance.

The Psalmist is breaking under the heavy burden of blame.  He wants God to change the minds of the ones who are throwing stones.  Since God is the one who can turn the hearts of kings and princes however He wishes, the Psalmist knows that God can also change the mindset of those who point fingers.  Perhaps they will look at their own sin and remember how much they need God’s forgiveness.  Whether they will or not, God will be there for this lamenter to offer a supernatural peace that sustains him.

Are you around someone who refuses to extend mercy?  Does their reproach cause you to hate yourself?  Perhaps you feel that God is also your constant accuser, never letting you forget your past even though you’ve begged for His forgiveness.  You and I must always remember that Satan can sound like the Spirit of God.  He has been quite successful at disguising his voice and donning righteous robes.  He suggests that reviewing our sin is really holy conviction when it’s nothing more than nasty accusations against forgiven children of God.  Don’t be fooled.  Hold your head high and throw off the shame.  Joy and peace are on the other side.

I dread being around people that never let me live the past down.  Oh, that’s not You, Lord.  Yesterday’s failures are a forgotten subject.  I am standing tall in the light of new mercy.  In Jesus name, Amen

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Finding The ‘Thank You’ In My Heart

 I will give thanks to you, LORD, with all my heart; I will tell of all your wonderful deeds.  Psalm 9:1

Thanksgivings, like any holiday, can be wonderful or imperfect, in varying degrees.  During the push to get ready for the big family dinner, feelings can get put on a back burner.  The days following, however, are often difficult because we re-live what was missing.

Life is all about perspective.  We know that.  But when things get difficult, God’s children struggle to find a perspective that means something deeply wonderful.  There is a list to encourage us to think thoughts that go upward instead of outward.  Looking up alters discouragement.  How does it work?

  • When loved ones will be missing from my table because of distance, I  will still be thankful that God hears every prayer I pray for them.  He will be near them though I will be far away.
  • When normal holiday sentiments get stuck in my throat because times are difficult, I will be thankful that glorious eternal sentiments are mine no matter the circumstances.  I am God’s child.  He is my Father.
  • When I see the faces of those I love around my table, I will be grateful that my love for them is just a little glimpse of the great love the Savior has for each of us.
  • When thoughts of the future overwhelm me, I will be grateful that it is only the immediate future, not my eternal one, which may be challenging.  For every difficulty, God will take me by the hand and walk me through it, smoothing the way.
  • Many of my family are in heaven and will be missing from my Thanksgiving table.  I can give thanks that we will sit together at another banquet table, one that eclipses the most beautiful gathering on Thursday.  Jesus will be the One serving us.
  • If, by chance, I have to look into the face of one who has not loved me well and I find there is pain with the memories, I will give thanks that I belong to One who is not like that.  Anything I need, He is.  He is the great ‘I am’.

Thanksgiving is not confession made through gritted teeth.  God does not force children to be polite little robots.  Instead, He encourages thanksgiving for what He has already given us and what is yet to come.  If I’m short on a list because of the imperfections of yesterday, I need only open the scriptures and put my name in the meta-narrative of redemption.  Every stunning promise is mine.  Every beautiful thing awaits me.

With tear filled eyes, I will thank you!  Amen

Want To Go To The Secret Place?

He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. Psalm 91:1

Oh, how beautiful is the picture of this spiritual reality. ‘Secret place’ in Hebrew is mistar ~ ‘a concealed place where treasures are stored.’  Don’t you want to go there?  Don’t you want to discover it?  This place is actually ‘in Christ’ and the treasure ‘is Christ’. This hidden place is both positional (doctrinal) and experiential (a living reality).

I grew up in the church and heard the phrase ‘secret place’. It was a charming thought but no one ever really explained it as something a child of God could experience. It was sterile dogma. If only I’d heard that God had a heart and I could draw close to Him to experience it.

The secret of my hiding place is that there is spiritual power there. It is resident in Christ and when I am near Him, He is eager to let me experience all that He is.  And He promises to share it with me so that my heart beats like His. What that means is this ~ I can rest in my spirit though I’m physically stressed. I can be strong like steel even though people around me expect me to break. Though all hell unravels, I can be of sound mind and possess unshakeable calm.  You have been a place of safety for the poor and need in times of trouble. Brutal enemies pounded us like a heavy rain but you were our shelter. Isaiah 25:4

So, why do I temporarily leave this place? Because life throws me a curve I didn’t anticipate and I focus on my circumstances. Or, a faithless person talks me out of my peace and I cave to their flawed logic.  The outcome?  I sink like Peter in waters way over my head.  For every child of God, there is a secure fortress. There is no storm too furious.  No foe too mighty.  No tragedy too hopeless.  No grief too consuming.  I am a child who runs home continually, reminding my enemy all the way ~ “Wait till I tell my Father.”

I’m going to believe you, Lord. Every foe today is already defeated. They are very well aware of their end and are pretending to wield a power that isn’t theirs. I’m not fooled and with Your Word, I call their bluff.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

A Map Of ‘Down’

Transgression speaks to the wicked deep in his heart; there is no fear of God before his eyes. For he flatters himself in his own eyes that his iniquity cannot be found out and hated. The words of his mouth are trouble and deceit; he has ceased to act wisely and do good. Psalm 36:1-4

How does the way of the wicked unfold? There is an evolution. Anyone who treasures wisdom and carefully watches the lives of others play out can see the progression. It’s sobering. I have seen these stages materialize in myself and I see this same sequence in others, Christians included. Here’s the map downward into wickedness.

  1. It starts with no fear of God. While ‘fear’ often means ‘reverence’ in scripture, that is not the word meaning here. This time, ‘fear’ means ‘terror.’ If I see no present evidence of a God who holds me accountable for my sin, I might assume He won’t. Biblical warnings are ignored and, worse yet, ridiculed. Terror of God is absent and therefore sin is conceived without any fear of consequences.
  2. Then, I’m driven to flatter myself. Privately, I think I’m a great person and a snob is born. Publicly, I may even boast about it. When God gives a platform, never should it birth a bragger. Unfortunately, I know a pastor who tells his people often how brilliant his professors said he was in college. He even goes so far as to say that he was encouraged to go to an Ivy League school to pursue an intellectual field instead of the pastorate. What he does not see is that his choice to continually flatter himself is described in Psalm 36.
  3. When I become a bragger, a general bent toward deceit follows next. I’ll think nothing of telling one-person one thing and someone else something differently entirely. My guiding paradigm will be whatever makes me look good to protect my reputation. If I’m a leader, everything beneath me implodes.
  4. Lastly, wisdom erodes. In the first stages, wisdom can appear to be present but eventually, my conscience sears. The cycle of sin and the resulting stronghold in my life turns me into a foolish person who runs her world recklessly.

I do not know if you find yourself in this progression. At times, I have. I was careless with my sin. I made poor choices with the awareness that all I had to do was tell God I’m sorry. I took advantage of His grace and I possessed a lazy view of His justice. As a rule, I want to be able to see myself at the beginning of this journey downward, humble myself before an all powerful and merciful God, and make a course correction.

I see the map. The way down is not abstract because You laid it all out for me. Pave my way with warning signs if I start down the wrong path. In Jesus name, Amen