When Life Isn’t What I Dreamed It Would Be

“And now, Lord, for what do I wait? My hope is in You. Psalm 39:7

Last night, this quote from John Piper was sent to me. It struck me so deeply that I actually dreamt about it.

Occasionally, weep deeply over the life you hoped it would be. Grieve the losses. Then wash your face. Trust God. And embrace the life you have. John Piper/Desiring God Ministries

Life is a series of losses to be grieved. On the other side, God waits to be embraced and that is the most difficult thing of all. Satan wants me to believe that I’m forced to embrace the One who withheld my dreams. The very idea of intimacy with God, in that case, is distasteful. Who wants to be a friend with the person who has hurt you the most!

I have to look at the broader picture and take myself off center stage. Every chosen man and woman in Christian history was favored, but then afflicted. The ones who triumphed and experienced some unforgettable mountaintops along the way did so by trusting in the character of God. In spite of suffering, they partnered with a God who loved them and called them.

While Piper’s quote is short, each part penetrates and challenges.

I weep deeply over my disappointments. Tears are not the end of my journey but they are a part of it. It takes courage to admit that my hope has been spent. Think of the times you may have commented to someone, ‘You must be broken hearted!’ Rarely does someone admit it. The hurt is minimized because down deep, we suspect we can’t survive coming to such a conclusion.  Instead, we give our pat answers. ‘It’s just a bump in the road.’ ‘I’m a little sad but I’ll get over it.’ For me to know true joy, I have to embrace the unvarnished truth. Otherwise, unspent grief spills out in depression and/or anger. Most spend their lives trying to numb out pain.

I grieve the losses. Nothing is as intimidating. I believe that if I start crying, the tears will have no end. It’s an illusion. While much of grieving is solitary, I remain in a small community to keep my perspective. I surround myself with those who will encourage grief and not condemn. They speak Jesus’ words over me and give me whatever time is needed to emerge from the ashes. This is one reason not to make shallow people your best friends. Continue reading “When Life Isn’t What I Dreamed It Would Be”

What Is This About?

For it is impossible, in the case of those who have once been enlightened, who have tasted the heavenly gift, and have shared in the Holy Spirit, and have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the powers of the age to come, and then have fallen away, to restore them again to repentance, since they are crucifying once again the Son of God to their own harm and holding him up to contempt.  Hebrews 6:4-6

Can believers lose their salvation?  This passage is not talking about a believer who fell away.  It describes one who tasted, flirted, and whose behavior was even shaped by time in the company in God’s congregation. He sensed the aroma of the Holy Spirit and was inspired by the messages of the eternal age to come, but after all of that, he fell away.

Perhaps you’ve known him.  He spent time in church.  He knew the songs.  He cried a time or two at a tender story.  His reputation was upstanding.  He seemed to enjoy the community but if you looked for solid evidence of his sanctification, it was absent.  He stayed the same from day to day, year to year, and a testimony of real change was missing.  With time, boredom set in and he lapsed into indifference. The lure of the world’s culture worked its charms. Though he hung out in the company of Jesus, he was not overcome with His glory. He learned the stories and the Christian rhetoric as if it were a script for a play but the language failed to bubble out of a changed and grateful heart.  He was an actor.

How has he re-crucified the Son of God and held him up to contempt?  By being close to Jesus but not giving his life to Him.  His departure was a declaration that Jesus isn’t glorious and His offer of salvation isn’t worth accepting.  He would stand with the crowd who crucified Jesus and agree from the sidelines that this person is worth rejecting.  He sees the cross, beholds Love, hears the offer of forgiveness, but walks away unimpressed.  Jesus is humiliated and rejected all over again.

We are told to be a discerner of spirits.  In looking for spiritual fruit, I must remember that there is a counterfeit for every fruit of the spirit.  A pretender of the faith can do loving things while feeling nothing.  He can look joyful but feel angst.  He can appear to be peaceful while sitting on a ton of anger.  There is the appearance of the Spirit’s fruit but it is not authentic.  You and I know the difference.  There is a mimic who finds it difficult to keep up appearances.  Once he falls away, whatever warmth once drew him to Jesus’ company leaves and his heart is hardened.  The spirit of repentance will be even farther from him, just as it was for the likes of Esau.

Your lessons for understanding people are deep.  I cannot possibly understand this without the help of Your Spirit.  Translate this message in just the way I need to hear it explained.  Amen

The Anniversary Of A Suicide

The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness can never extinguish it.  John 1:5

Our enemy knows that God is Light.  He was once an archangel in heaven and saw the brilliance of the glory of the Godhead.  For much of eternity, he trembled and led the angels in worship.  Was God’s light so bright that he often had to look away?  We don’t know but one thing is for sure ~ he bowed in worship and led others to do the same before his appetite for power and autonomy corrupted him.  

Since Satan has seen God’s brilliance, and since he knows that Light overcomes darkness, why does he wage all-out war to wear out the saints?   And he shall speak great words against the most High and shall wear out the saints of the most High.  Daniel 7:25

Doesn’t he know that God’s children will tap into the ‘surpassing power of God’s greatness to all who believe?” (Ephesians 1:19) 

Doesn’t he know that we are well aware that victory over him was declared at Calvary?  (Hebrews 12:14)

Doesn’t he know that we have read the scriptures and we celebrate that he was paraded in defeat and humiliation before the whole spirit world?  (Colossians 2:15) 

Doesn’t he know that we take notice of the gift of God’s armor and put it on?  (Ephesians 6) 

Isn’t he aware that Paul calls it the ‘armor of Light’?  (Romans 13:12) 

Hasn’t he learned that we are aware of both our powerlessness in the flesh and our invincibility in the power of the name of Jesus?

Yes, he knows!  But he counts on the fact that, in times of distress, we will not stop to take stock of what is true about God, about His provisions and His promises.  Today is a day for our family to lean into God’s grace, asking Him for the courage to continue to trust His providence and promises. This is the second year anniversary of our son’s suicide. At 3:00 a.m. on this day two years ago, we answered a knock at the door that brought traumatic news the likes of which we’d never experienced. Ron heard the news first, then came and sat on the couch with me. He said, “This is the worst night of our lives.” And it was.

The feelings were both numbing and overwhelming. And on days like today, Satan counts on us caving into our overwhelming feelings.  He knows how hard it is to exercise faith in the throes of pain and distress.  He knows that our instinctive reactions to the memories of traumatic events involve emotions first, then thoughts.  He knows that by wearying us with battle after battle, we just might succumb to disillusionment and distrust of our Father.  What is the alternative?  

Oh, we can choose to believe that hardship is an opportunity to flex new faith muscles.  We can know that it’s possible to sing through our tears.  When drowning under the sea of trouble, we can rely on the surpassing power of God’s greatness.  We can don our armor and put-on Christ.  We can take the Light of the world into our fears, into the darkness of unbelief, into the chasm of sleeplessness, and into the worst of our ‘what ifs’ to discover that a foundation in Christ is solid as a Rock.  In the darkest moments of today, there is still light. Our son is worshipping at the feet of Jesus.

The world shakes but You, Lord, are unshakeable.  Amen

Consider The Worst Part

Listen to me, you who pursue righteousness and who seek the LORD: Look to the rock from which you were cut and to the quarry from which you were hewn.  Isaiah 51:1

When Jesus talked with the woman at the well in Samaria, He took intentional steps to prepare her to receive Truth.  They began by talking of the mundane; water, thirst, and drinking.  He made a segueway to its spiritual counterpart; spiritual water, spiritual thirst, and the possibility of a drink that would forever quench thirst.  Jesus conversed about all of this because it needed to precede the revelation of Himself.  Thirst needed to overtake her and wake up her heart ~ for she had stopped dreaming of a Savior long ago.

She came alive as Jesus talked. She rose to engage Him in animated conversation.  Thirsty, she finally voiced a desire to what He was offering.  “Give me this drink,” she said.  But Jesus didn’t answer…. “I’m speaking of myself and this is how you drink of me.”  He immediately brought up the subject of her husband which unearthed the most painful of any possible admissions she might have to make.  She had been married five times and lived with a sixth man.  I often wondered why Jesus’ strategy was to change the subject. Perhaps it was to put His finger on the most painful place in her life.  By doing so, the message was this ~ If you want the most profound encounter possible with Me, you must drink of Me where you need Me the most.  Because she didn’t shy away, she received new life.

What is the worst part of your story? Have you dared unearth the need associated with the memory?  Where does it feel risky to trust God?  What would Jesus say if He sat on the edge of the well with you.  “I saw you at twenty four when you wanted to give up.”  Or, “When you were little, scared and hiding, thinking no one cared, did you know that I was there?”  In these crises of faith, in the darkest places of unbelief, Jesus calls us to a new awareness that there is such a thing as Living Water.  If we drink of Him, we will never need look again to fickle sources to give us what we think we need to feel whole.  We will find Him to be enough.

The Christian life begins when I learn the truth about God, when I learn the truth about myself, and apply the truth about God to the truth about me.  The Gospel is life changing only when it starts with great spiritual need.

Lord, I want to know the hope to which You have called me and Your incomparably great power for me if Ibelieve in You.  Amen

Living In The Middle

“You cannot serve God and money. “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Look at the birds in the sky: They do not sow, or reap, or gather into barns, yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Aren’t you more valuable than they are? And which of you by worrying can add even one hour to his life? Matthew 6:24-27

The anxiety of trying to serve opposites is tormenting. What does this have to do with worrying? What I’ll eat? What I’ll wear? What others think of me? Whether I’ll be employed? Whether I’m seriously ill? Anxiety serves Master Satan. To worry is to wonder if God is faithful and Satan is the author of that. Worry leads to autonomy. I take care of myself because I believe God won’t.

Remember the daisy game? ‘He loves me – He loves me not.’ Though it was childish, I do remember the bit of suspense as I neared the end of the petals. Which way would it be? Love me – or loves me not? This is the stuff of serving two masters.

‘God loves me – He loves me not.’ Continue reading “Living In The Middle”

What’s The Difference?

And you will again see the distinction between the righteous and the wicked, between those who serve God and those who do not. Malachi 3:18

God tells His people that when they are in heaven, they will ‘again’ see the distinction between righteous and the wicked. “Far be it from me”, God says way back in Genesis, “that I should treat the righteous and unrighteous alike.” We expect to see such distinctions when God judges the peoples of the earth and separates believers from unbelievers. But, can we tell a difference today?

After all, everyone lives with the effects of the fall. We suffer unjustly at the hands of ungodly men and women. We are all vulnerable to COVID. The many hurricanes which have plagued our southern states have devastated Christians and non-Christians alike. Yet, God says that we can tell the difference how we handle adversity.

  • A child of God experiences peace in dark times. The unbeliever flounders without a compass.
  • A child of God exerts his authority over the dark forces at work. The unbeliever is captive to them.
  • A child of God is able to hear the voice of His Father, the voice that comforts him. The unbeliever is desperate for consolation.
  • A child of God has his eyes set on home. The unbeliever lives with a nagging fear of death.
  • A child of God knows the power of prayer to affect his life. The unbeliever is limited by his own problem solving skills.
  • A child of God looks for the supernatural redemption of his pain. The unbeliever finds pain senseless.

Which one are you? Oh, if you don’t yet know the a luxury of being a child of God, I pray that, even now, God is setting your heart, mind, and will free to hear the Spirit of God calling you to faith so that you, too, may find your home in Christ.

Thank You for taking up residence in me. There begins the distinction. Oh, how great is Your love. Amen

AGE AND PERSPECTIVE

The brothers sent a message to Joseph, saying, ‘Your father gave this command before he died. Say to Joseph, “Please forgive the transgression of your brothers and their sin, because they did evil to you.” ‘ And now, please forgive the transgression of the servant of the God of your Father.” Joseph wept when they spoke to him. Genesis 50:16-17 

Joseph is seeing the fulfillment of his childhood dream. The brothers are bowing down to him and pledging to become his servants. Forty years earlier, God had given him a dream that showed every brother prostrate before him. Without stopping to think twice, he had shared it with his brothers. Perhaps he had gloated as he related it. Children do. Whatever his posture, it got him thrown into a pit and sold into slavery. But here’s the thing ~ What Joseph felt then and what he feels now are two completely different things. As a child, it was a fairy tale to think of subjects bowing down to him. As an adult, one refined by God through excruciating events, it was a tragedy to see brothers groveling.  He loved them and did not want to see them suffer.

It’s quite amazing how I can see the same event differently, depending on what stage of life I am in. As a young woman, I heard others predict that God would bless me with notoriety and influence. While it was hard for me to believe it, part of me dreamed it was true and I made it all about me. Instead of seeing this as an opportunity for serving others, something God always intends when He confers a position of influence, I thought of what it would be like to be influential. I desperately lacked mentoring.

That was forty six years ago and how my perspective has changed. What I failed to realize then is that when God calls one to lead, He sets about to shape that person through adversity. How I view the blessing today is entirely different than how I saw it as a twenty-one-year-old. In my youth, it fed narcissism. That quickly faded with suffering. I’ve learned to handle influence with trembling hands.

Joseph wept when he saw his brothers fall to their knees in front of him. His tears were not tears of sweet revenge. They were tears of empathy and compassion. Never could he imagine feeling such a thing when he was bound, thrown into the back of a cart, and dragged to Egypt as a slave. God shapes every child and the needed changes never happen quickly. A bad month, or year of drought, does not usually bring transformation. A decade or two in the wilderness does however. Acting like Jesus can be easy if you’re an actor. Thinking and feeling like Jesus takes a lifetime of refining.

You do all things well. In Jesus name, Amen

You’re Not The Only One Who Cares

Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes. Nehemiah 4:14

I was thinking this morning about Lot’s family in the book of Genesis. They didn’t appear to have a deep and abiding relationship with God.  Yet, when it was time for God’s judgment to come upon Sodom, the angels asked Lot to gather all members of his family for salvation.  God is invested in families because of the faith of one of its member.  If you’re the only one who feels heavy hearted over the spiritual condition of your loved ones, you’re not the only one who cares.  God does.  Why?

  1. He loves you.  He cares about who you love.  He sees every tear you have cried over a son or daughter.  He feels the stress you feel over the fractures in your marriage.  When your heart aches, His heart aches.   Do you feel alone when you bear the burden of carrying your family to God in prayer?  You are not shouldering this by yourself.  Jesus rose again and lives to intercede for every person you love. Perhaps you often despair and think you are the only one praying for them.  You are not doing this by yourself. Jesus is praying!
  2. God made families and He is invested in what He creates.  Families didn’t come out of nowhere.  God made Adam, then Eve, and invented the marital relationship.  Children were born because God made a way for family life to continue throughout time.  The first outcry that reached heaven’s ears came when the first two brothers fought and one killed the other.  So broken was the heart of God!

Every single one of us thinks about eternity but for anyone who has unbelieving family members, it is a bittersweet experience.  There is a piercing thought about those who might not be there.  God knows.  Just as He told Lot to go gather each member of his family, giving them the opportunity to hear of impending doom and to make the choice to leave Sodom, He will hear our prayers about those we love.  He is giving each one (though we may not know about it) many opportunities to be aware of Him and His Son, Jesus.  Every seed we have planted is not dormant.  It is active and working – stirred by the Spirit in their consciences and in their memories.

You invite me to bring my burdens to You and leave them.  Jesus, I will bring each person in my family, place them in Your lap, and pray while You work!  Thank you.  Amen

Testing ~ The Subject We Avoid

After these things God tested Abraham and said to him, “Abraham!” And he said, “Here I am.” Genesis 22:1

I’ve spoken with three women, just this week, who believe God is testing them. He’s led each of them into the wilderness and the pain and pressure seem unbearable. Whether I am a new Christian or a seasoned believer, a time of testing challenges my view of God and how He loves His children. How can He say that I am the apple of His eye yet test me with pain? Can it really be that the resulting faith is so valuable to both of us that the testing is really a loving act, not a cruel one?

I’m not going to attempt to answer any of those questions here. Just raise them. I’m about to enter the story of Abraham’s testing period. He’s asked to sacrifice his own son on the altar. It’s inconceivable that God would ask such a thing, isn’t it? So, I’m letting my unrest stand this morning. Questions are good. Though I already know the end of the story, Abraham didn’t. And like him, when testing comes, the pain that comes with it unearths the hidden things of my heart. What can stay conveniently veiled in good times erupts under stress. Lies and accusations abound when I was previously unaware such things existed in my own soul. Perhaps this is one of the ‘gifts’ of testing?

I’m jumping into the deep end of the pool. No shallow answers. I hope you’ll join me for the next week as we lace up Abraham’s sandals and feel the pain of a father’s heart. He is torn by his love for God and his love for his son. They appear to be mutually exclusive.

This morning, let’s feel the tension. If you are in the middle of testing, it’s okay to allow your own questions to surface. God will lead us through the minefields ahead of us.

Lord, I want You to speak to me through this story. Only Your voice, Lord. Reveal Yourself and give me the treasures of the darkness. Amen

 Journal Question: Are you one who distracts yourself from feeling any pain? Maybe you escape into television, gadgets, work, food, Facebook, and even social functions with Christian friends. Will you take one lunch hour this week to fast for 30 minutes in order to seek God on a new level?  Let’s make this commitment together.

Why Can’t I See Him?

Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. Matthew 5:8

Purity and defilement are polar opposites. A pure heart sees God. A defiled heart does not. A pure heart has a cleansed conscience. A defiled heart has a seared one.

Can I achieve purity of heart with mere mental discipline? Not remotely. Some would say to just ‘think on the things’ that Paul advocates in Philippians. But those mental gymnastics don’t make me pure. Though they might help me stay pure in heart, purity is the gift God gives to me upon confession of sin.  A defiled heart is one that is deceived. To the degree that I have a history of unconfessed sin, I can be sure that deception has a hold on me and has rendered me partially blind. Christ won’t be someone I treasure because my vision is impaired.

When mentoring women, I take them through a life inventory. I explain that past sins, not yet confessed, bear consequences of spiritual blindness. Unholy spiritual legacies from family bloodlines will also pass on deception. Let me speak from personal experience. My father, and his parents, belonged to the Masonic Lodge. When he asked to be released from his vows, he initiated a freedom for my sister and me. If he had stayed in the Lodge, he would have passed on spiritual blindness since the belief system of the Lodge is rooted in Eastern religion. Our family did some significant spiritual work to fully renounce the ties of our ancestors. Just as they took vows, one at a time, they needed to be renounced one at a time. Some vague general prayer didn’t really hit the mark.

Paul addressed this subject another way. “To the pure, all things are pure, but to those who are corrupted and do not believe, nothing is pure. In fact, both their minds and consciences are corrupted.” Titus 1:15   My rudder, resident in my conscience, is corrupted by unbelief.

If I want to see God and remain pure in heart, I need to be tough on sin. I aim to be a sin-killer. Otherwise, I risk wearing foggy eyeglasses when I behold the face of God.

Bad eyesight can creep up on me. Expose my sin before it metastasizes. I want to see You in all of Your glory. Amen