She has not acknowledged that I was the one who gave her the grain, the new wine and oil. Hosea 2: 8 

I’ve experienced a lot of performance trauma.  It started in my teens.  It was exacerbated by my inability to say no to powerful people who exerted pressure on a 13 year old.  I had no training for taking care of myself as I grew up in a home where both parents lived to avoid conflict.  Hearing them say no was rare so I followed their lead; I did anything that was asked of me. 

I was born with a natural ear for music. If I heard a song, I could sit down and play it as early as three years old. While this was enjoyable, it also set me up to perform in situations that came with a pressure that was too intense for one so young. If I communicated my fears, they were usually dismissed. “We know you can do it, Christine!” 

In my early teens, I started traveling with a well known ministry.   I played for crusades and city-wide Gospel events. The evangelists’ belief level in me may have been misplaced, often having more to do with them getting what they wanted from me and less to do with their confidence in my ability.  My repetitive self-talk before going on stage was this ~ “I have to do this but I can’t. But I have to. But I can’t.” Then, I’d hear my name being announced and sheer grit would take over. 

In my thirties, I assessed the damage. My body quit on me.  I had a nervous breakdown.  I felt God had abandoned me. “Where were you all these years?  I always did what others wanted but I did it alone.”  I entered counseling.  During a prayer time, I discerned God’s answer to my question.  “You didn’t do it by yourself.  I helped you do it every single time.” I was humbled to realize that He really had come through for me.

When life requires difficult things of us and we have to, with great tenacity, put one foot in front of the other, we mistakenly think we’re doing it single-handedly. But our thought processes, which enable us to devise a plan, are God-breathed. Physical endurance is made available to us, outside of ourselves. God is faithful to preserve our mind and our spirit.  May our accusations pause.  Let’s be open and humbled to hear God’s whispers of truth.

I was angry with You for abandoning me until I heard You speak to me.  Thank you! Amen