When My Soul Comes Up Empty

WHEN MY SOUL COMES UP EMPTY

What the wicked dreads will overtake him; what the righteous desire will be granted.  Proverbs 10:24

            A self-fulfilling prophecy is a frightening phenomenon.  I know, for I experienced one after another for the first forty years of my life.  I structured my life to do whatever would get approval, love, and respect.  While I received good measures of each, it was never enough. The feeling of ‘full’ eluded me. Emptiness, the thing I feared most, became my companion.

            If I want another person’s affection so badly that I will do anything to get it, the person I target starts backing up from me.  He senses my unbalance.  I wear the severity of my needs on my sleeve even though I might think I’m clever enough to conceal it.  He instinctively knows he cannot (and should not) feed such an insatiable appetite.  He knows his personal boundaries are being threatened.  He perceives that I am about to feed off his very soul.  What is the outcome?  Unless he has the need to rescue, there will be a painful backing away. The rejection I fear will surely come upon me.

            If I plot to impress others in order to gain their respect, my boasting and self-centeredness repel people.  I do not gain their admiration though I might overwhelm them with stories of my accomplishments.  I will suffer their ever-growing disrespect.

            If I am consumed with finding a place to belong, a place where people are my refuge, I will cling to them too tightly.  I will become their shadow, ever looking for them to assure me that I am tucked under their care.  I will feel a need to become part of their family. But, they will only strain under such expectations and I will end up in the cold.

            What does a righteous woman desire?  God’s favor.  God’s acceptance. A belonging to God’s family. Idols are laid aside and the journey toward God becomes her first priority.  If there is to be a soul-filling, it will be sought within the embrace of her Creator.  It won’t be extracted from flawed human beings through posturing and manipulation. She will pursue God relentlessly; knowing that He promises to fill her soul. She will come to experience the love of people as merely supplemental to God’s extravagant love.

You invite me to cling to You as my life giver. I will channel my energy into our relationship first. Fill my vision, and my soul, with You.  In Jesus’ name, Amen.

 

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