NAME CHANGE
“In that day,” declares the LORD, “you will call me `my husband’; you will no longer call me `my master.’ Hosea 2: 16
The only thing that used to unsettle me more than thinking of myself as a slave in God’s household was discovering that He designed me to be intimate with Him as a bride. I feared God’s intentions because slavery had become very comfortable. I had grown accustomed to the pace of working tirelessly, of training myself to perform grueling tasks without complaint. I was so used to pain that I hardly noticed its presence. I was out of touch with the needs of my body and spirit. If people told me I looked tired, I argued with them. “Tired” was normal and therefore nothing about which to be alarmed. If a friend suggested that I should get away for a few days to restore my heart and feed my spirit, I ended up sitting on a dock, feet dangling in the water, but mind still racing. I didn’t know how to connect with a benevolent God to find rest.
God promised to teach me how to be a bride instead of slave. In 1997, He took away the tool that perpetuated slavery. My ministry! He shut it down completely and I was left in deafening silence. I didn’t know who I was without frantic activity. In that strange wilderness, I slowly began to know God; how He loved, how I related to Him, and understanding His plans for me. He also taught me about the needs of my body and spirit. Consequently, I started taking care of myself because I could see that God was going to restore me to a place of ministry. He completely overhauled my paradigm for Christian service.
I came to understand that I had been living as the older brother in the prodigal son parable. I had been the rule-keeper, scared of my own heart, scared that my relationship with God would not survive if I were honest about my doubts and questions. I tried to do everything perfectly, believing that God would reward that. He didn’t. He did the most loving thing possible. He used the betrayal of a friend to bring my ministry to ashes and bring me to the end of myself. With no energy to pretend, I came with a heart laid bare to God. I came to embrace what I had feared; intimacy.
As far as You’ve brought me into your bridal chamber, I’ve still got so far to go. But I trust where You lead me. Amen
Daughters of promise 
This is a timely message for me. I have struggled with finding intimacy with God for 20 years. I love God, but could never get past the “performance” mode with Him. “Am I doing good enough God? Am I pleasing you yet?” I struggle to find that place where I can just “be” instead of doing. I can relate so much to this: ” If a friend suggested that I should get away for a few days to restore my heart and feed my spirit, I ended up sitting on a dock, feet dangling in the water, but mind still racing. I didn’t know how to connect with a benevolent God to find rest.” In the past two months I lost my business, my inheritance (from my mother), and a thirty year marriage. I can’t be much more stripped and broken. I pray that in all this I some how find that secret place with Him.
Praying for you as I read a tiny bit of your story. Thank you for writing. Your losses seem so large in the context of earth – and must be grieved. But in the context of eternity – they are as nothing. Looking forward with you by faith.