Lord, You’ve shown me that idols are not only things, but people. You are jealous for my affection but my attachment to others has kept me from turning to You for what You alone can give me. You want me to sever those soul ties, those unhealthy connections, which exist between me and other people. I am not to be controlled, nor control, anyone else.
I realize that I am tied to this other person just as surely as if a spiritual umbilical cord connected us. Only You can sever that cord. I want to be be free to put You at the center of my life. Though that decision will be hurtful to them and they will feel a shift in our relationship, it is what honors you. Give me the strength to make the change, and give them the grace to also turn to You in their hurt and confusion.
You are my caretaker, the One to whom my soul belongs. So, in the name of Jesus, I sever the soul tie between me and _______________. I repent for my unholy attachment to them and ask You to forgive me. I render the soul tie with them null and void under the cross of Calvary. Bind me to You, Lord. I take all expectations off my past relationship with them and look to You for wholeness. Amen
We, brethren, have been bereft of you for a short while – in person, not in spirit – were all the more eager with great desire to see your face. I Thessalonians 2:17
Paul was in Corinth when he wrote this to the believers in Thessalonica. Though they were geographically separated, they were together in spirit. He felt it. The Holy Spirit, in him, was connected to the Holy Spirit, in them.
Spirit ties are healthy, conceived by God. The common denominator in their unity is the Holy Spirit who binds people together. This very phenomenon is what makes for a great marriage and enduring and strong friendships. God desires that all of His children fatten their Spirit, that place where His Spirit speaks, so that one Spirit-filled believer can connect to another Spirit-filled believer. The result is a bond that spans distance and time. It will take them into eternity where their relationship will continue where it left off on earth.
This is what it looks like.
The Spirit in one believer recognizes the Spirit in another and they reach out to each other to fellowship on a rich level. They don’t expect each other to be perfect. Each knows that the other desires to love as Jesus loves but there will be times they are each imperfect. Both know that they live and breathe by God alone. His daily manna sustains them.
Soul ties are powerful blind spots. To assess each one correctly, I need to be prayerful. The Holy Spirit will show me where I feel drained of energy, where I feel dominated and even where I am the controller. With divine wisdom, He will lead me to make adjustments in the relationship. Some of my relationships will be saved as both of us are willing to submit our needs and desires to Jesus. But when my other person is unwilling, angry and even vindictive, God will give me the grace to stay the course ~ even if it means re-defining the relationship.
Because I love Jesus, I want to reach out to those who need Him. I pray they will experience Him in our relationship and come to desire Him as their treasure. While this is the ultimate goal, the spiritual mechanics of making it all work in the context of ministry and people’s sinfulness, including my own, make it very messy.
Are you ministering to someone that drowns you? You see their name on caller ID and your body sinks. Those nearby see it in your body language. You wonder if you have the energy for the phone call because you’re learning that you just can’t give enough. You poured yourself out just two days ago but they’ll need you to do it all over again. Apparently, what you gave just didn’t ‘stick’. Their needs were too profound. You feel that if you pull away to save yourself from burning out, you will damage their view of God. Such is the nature of navigating soul ties in ministry.
It is far easier for a hurting person to seek the ‘Jesus in you’ than to seek Jesus for themselves. So while your motive may be to love them on behalf of Jesus (so that they will turn to Him), many will latch on to you and try to live off your faith instead. Second hand faith starts out well but ends up in idolatry.
The goal of helping anyone hurting is to listen, empathize and comfort, take them to Jesus, and then know when to back up so He can speak to them. We must be teaching others how to interact with God through His Word and prayer; meditating, studying, applying scripture, and connecting with Him in prayer. Discipling doesn’t mean carrying. It means delivering them to the arms of Christ so that He can carry.
If you have someone in your life that communicates exclusivity, be careful. “Only you really understand me.” “Only you make me feel better when I’m in crisis.” These are the foundations of soul ties if left unchecked. Equipping those I serve with adequate spiritual skills is the most loving thing I can do for another’s spiritual growth.
Parents don’t have to be living for adult children to live in captivity to a soul tie. There’s nothing more painful than someone who has died and left the ones who remain with no closure. Issues were never addressed. Explanations were never made. Affirmations were never given. Apologies were never offered.
My mother died when I was thirty years old. She didn’t talk much about her early life and I had tons of questions I was too shy to ask. Because her silence was rooted in trauma, her ability to speak life, and love, was measured. Thankfully, her actions were nurturing but words were still coveted. After she died, I lived many years wishing I’d had more time. I thought of all the ways I could have broached subjects if she’d lived longer. I imagined intimate conversations we could have had where she would finally bond with me. Attachment would have been satisfied. My grief was unending and complicated.
This ‘if only’ kind of ruminating pointed so clearly to a soul tie that needed to be broken. Not only did I live in the ache of un-spoken words, I carried my mother’s pain, the very pain that caused her to withhold the words in the first place. I had to lay both down at the feet of Jesus. That took years.
I wonder what happens in the heart of adult children as they visit parents’ graves. If the tears could speak, oh, the heartaches we would hear! The ‘if only’s’ would abound. Regrets about what was said or wasn’t said, what was done or wasn’t done, would be rehearsed. Magical thinking would also be present and would torment. “If I had been a different person, or just done what they’d asked, they would have loved me.” Death brings a finality that is both painful and comforting. Painful because nothing more can be done to improve the relationship. But comforting because we can get off the treadmill of trying so hard to get loved.
God can work His works of grace no matter what. The indwelling fullness of the Holy Spirit is never more palpable than when experienced in vast emptiness.
Parents and children can easily develop soul ties. A mother who has known limited opportunities and frustrated dreams often tries to live her life through her child. Because she wants the emotional payoff and/or the attention that goes with her child’s success, she smothers them. That dynamic continues into the child’s adulthood.
Parent/child relationships are complicated but anywhere there is manipulation or domination, you can be sure a soul tie exists. The best thing someone in the relationship can do is to break the soul tie by repenting of it in prayer, by asking God to sever it, and then consciously turning to Christ for the very things the other person was providing.
I’ve had more than one person say to me, “If I stop meeting this person’s needs, things will fall apart. I am the fixer in the family.” But here’s the thing. Sometimes things need to fall apart in order for God to put things back together. One day in prayer, the Holy Spirit spoke to me about a certain relationship. “Stop standing in the way of them coming to me! They need the pain to turn their face my direction.”
So many adults have a soul tie with a parent even though they are upwards in age. They visit them a nursing home or in an assisted living facility and try, in every visit, to get their parent to tell them what they long to hear. Unable to forgive the withholding, the soul tie continues to play out, demanding something from parents won’t, or can’t, give what’s expected. First, no parent can give away what, first, they have not experienced for themselves! And secondly, some people have been ruined by sin and are simply unwilling to love. Both reasons are tragic and adult children need to grieve, forgive, and cast all their hope on Christ. He invites us to live in Him.
Finally, this is usually the last thing any of us want to do. We think what we need most is what parents haven’t yet given. That is a mirage. Behind it is the freedom and abundant life Christ offers but the only way to experience it is to let go of our idols.
A soul tie is an unholy connection between people. The foundation of this toxic connection is a mutual commitment to meet each other’s needs in a way that circumvents the sufficiency of Christ.
Connection isn’t wrong. We were designed by God to interact and bond with Him first, and then, with each other. Scripture says that we are capable of being knit together. …that their hearts may be encouraged, having been knit together in love, and attaining to all the wealth that comes from the full assurance of understanding, resulting in a true knowledge of God’s mystery, that is, Christ Himself. Colossians 2:2
The problem is ~ if the ‘knitting together is not of God, it is an holy thing. God is to be ‘the cake’ and people are to be ‘the icing.’ I am to look to God first for what I need and people around me are to be supplemental resources. But when I make people ‘the cake’ and God ‘the icing’, idolatry is set up to run its course. It ends bitterly as each person in the relationship comes up against the other one’s sinfulness and personal limits.
This is what it looks like in the body/soul/spirit illustration. Two people with large souls (and little Spirit influence) are relating to each other soul to soul. Needs and wants scream for attention and demand fulfillment. Each is willing to oblige the other because it feels good to each one for different reasons. One usually needs the other while the other thrives on being needed. The influence of the Spirit, who desires to purify the relationship, is way in the background because He has essentially been minimized in influence. God has to give each of us the grace to follow Him first and possibly sustain another’s anger when we no longer jump at their bidding.
Tomorrow, we’ll start exploring kinds of soul ties. Adult children and parents. Older adults and deceased parents. Parents and young children. And, people in ministry and those they serve.
I am often asked the question, ‘How many times do I need to pray for generational influences to no longer be in effect?’ It is an important question because false expectations invite disappointment and disillusionment. The power of the Gospel to save should never be in doubt. God will change anyone willing to live cross-centered.
There are two things I’ll say about this.
Generational sins are committed for two reasons: There’s power in the temptation because of family history. And, the person who commits the sin exercises his free will to engage with it.
Yes, the effects of generational sin bring demonic power into family lines but when it combines with our own flesh, it creates a formidable combination. Getting free from it must also be two fold: We must pray for the blood of Christ to wash sinful effects from our bloodline and we must followup up with intentional obedience.
For instance, if I pray for generational immorality to be broken in the life of my adult son, it will not disappear from his life because of my one prayer. But I will see the power of the temptation lessened! With demonic influence stilled, my son will find it easier to acknowledge his sin and turn away from it.
2. Generational prayers should be prayed as long as we see evidence of the bad fruit. In the rather long list of generational sins that I included in yesterday’s devotional (and also below in today’s email), many boxes were probably checked. Some were more predominant than others. For those that have been sporadic, praying once could suffice. For the top three however, it will require tenacious intercession.
Bottom line ~ Breaking the power of generational influences is the beginning of freedom. After that, the Gospel will change people but only with yielded participants.
In families, grievous sins are passed down through ancestral lines and are usually repeated even though the next generation often has no idea what their ancestors did. The predisposition is ‘in the blood.’
When I begin a relationship with a new doctor’s office, I’m handed a stack of paperwork. They want to know my family history. It’s an accepted fact that whom I am related to, by bloodline, determines predispositions toward certain diseases. Just as we receive an inheritance of physical traits from our parents, we also receive a spiritual inheritance from our family line. This includes righteous and unrighteous bents. This does not mean that children are charged with guilt for the sins of their parents…just that the sins of parents do have an adverse effect on their children and open the door for similar patterns of sin. The children are left more vulnerable to the enemy’s work.
New blood flow is needed to repair physical wounds, and new blood flow is also needed to repair spiritual wounds. There is no human blood source that has the power to wash a family bloodline clean. Only one person’s blood can do that. It’s Jesus’ blood and He freely offers it. He longs for us to apply the cleansing power of His sacrifice to our ancestral line. There need not be insidious generational influences looming over our families any longer. I need not stand by and watch the consequences of my family’s sin hurt my children and grandchildren. I can stop the unholy legacy from continuing by applying the blood of Christ to each generational pattern that holds my family captive. By doing this, Christ cancels out the effects that were caused by the sins of those who came before me. What a gracious Savior!
I am providing a generational sin handout – below – as a way to begin to explore your past. As you prayerfully examine the list, ask God to show you how many of these are characteristics within your family line. Jesus Christ is the one who redeems you from the curse (Galatians 3:13-14), and can break the effect of any ancestral sins that may be influencing you today.
PRAYER: Father, I am coming to You in the name of Your Son, Jesus. I long to be free from the unholy, invisible influences of family. I recognize patterns in my family that are unrighteous. I declare the power of your shed blood, demonstrated at the cross, over each of them. I thank you that you appeared to destroy the devil’s work. (1 John 3:8) Teach us as a family how to live as Your children rather than the obedient children of fallen flesh and blood. In Jesus’ name, Amen
Without knowing our blind spots, others experience the elephant in the room we bring along with us. We must ask God to reveal what others see but, for some reason, we do not. We can’t afford to be like the Israelites described in Hosea. They were void of strength but saw themselves as powerful. They were weak but feigned virility. They spurned their need for God yet believed themselves to be in His favor.
Aliens have devoured his strength, but he does not know it; yes, gray hairs are here and there on him, yet he does not know it. And the pride of Israel testifies to his face, but they do not return to the LORD their God, nor seek Him for all this. Hosea 7:8-10
Blind spots are frightening. Have you ever had dinner with someone and thought, “Boy, he talks a lot, but he is oblivious.” Everyone at the table is polite, giving him their attention, yet he is unaware of how he is being experienced. Or perhaps you are part of an intimate Bible Study and one member of your circle is negative. Everyone there is braced for her arrival, knowing the atmosphere will change when she enters the room. She also is unaware of the toxicity that is specific to her.
There are five blind spots I’d like to highlight over the next few days. Each is something we probably suffer from but might not have thought about before. Consequently, those blind spots oppress us in ways we haven’t identified. They have also compromised our fence line.
In Christ, we are promised deliverance from all five. But like all areas of captivity, the path to freedom is cooperative. Jesus offers it, but I must be a willing participant, turning away from what is unrighteous to pursue holiness. I must chase the things of the kingdom, plunging into the depths of Christ and coveting the robes of righteousness that He offers to put around my shoulders. Christ’s transforming power is here now. There is no need to live with blind spots and unseen elephants.
I’m a visual person. I see concepts in pictures, and God is kind to bring truth, oftentimes in the form of visuals. I have heard throughout my life that we are made up of three parts; body, soul, and spirit. Their meanings were vague. How does each part engage in the spiritual battle we face every day?
The body ~ I understand. It is flesh and blood. It is mortal and subject to decay. Satan inflicts disease, dysfunction, and, eventually, death, which is the final curse.
The soul ~ is our inner self. Our personality, our likes, dislikes, desires, beliefs, goals and ambitions. At birth, our soul is definitely in charge. It is out to get its needs met. We are selfish to the core. The war of the flesh that Paul describes in his writings takes place in the landscape of the soul. It is all-encompassing. It looks like this.
The spirit ~ is the place inside each believer where the Holy Spirit comes to dwell at the time of our salvation. He moves in and witnesses to our spirit that we are God’s children. The spirit is dead and useless to us until Jesus touches it and brings it from death to life. It looks like this.
However, it is apparent that proportionately, something needs to happen for the influence of the Spirit to rule the soul and to conquer the flesh. The soul is so large and the spirit part of us is so tiny in comparison.
For the message about the cross is foolishness to those who are perishing, but to us who are being saved it is the power of God. I Corinthians 1:18
The salvation Paul references is not the moment of salvation when we first believe. He said we are ‘being saved’. From the flesh. This is a daily occurrence and is called sanctification. What happens? The influence of the Spirit, in our spirit, comes against the flesh and begs submission to God’s ways. Every day, there are hundreds of opportunities to choose God’s way over my own way.
Consider this last picture. The internal world has shifted significantly. The spirit is no longer small. What had to happen for the spirit to grow? I worshipped. I studied the Word. I learned to meditate on it. I obeyed and followed Jesus in daily decisions. My spirit increased in size and influence. Spiritual maturity is to live with a fattened spirit. James, Jesus’ half-brother, said, “Receive the word implanted which is able to save your soul.”James 1:21
Tony Evans said, “We must raise the cross above our own soul and hold a daily funeral.” I love this. It is daily. God’s will over my will. Deferring instead of rebelling. Paul said, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.” Hebrews 4:12
The Word divides soul and spirit. It challenges what I want from what God’s will is for me. It creates a juncture where a choice must be made. I follow Jesus and watch my inner landscape conform to His image or I choose the way of my flesh and see the Spirit’s influence diminish. Ask God to show you a picture of your inner world. How fat is your spirit? Are our churches made up of parishioners with puny little spirits? The flesh is in charge. Sanctification is choked out by the weeds of the flesh. May it not be.
I want to live by the Spirit. Fully live. A tree planted by streams of water that will not wither. It will not break when the storms of life come. To God be the glory.
Daughters of promise 