Have I Gone Two Steps Backward?

The LORD preserves the simple; when I was brought low, he saved me. Psalm 116:6

The book of John ends by saying that so much more happened in the life of Jesus that, if it was written down, books could not contain the stories. I’m not alone in wondering what those stories might be. Someday, I believe we’ll know. For now, we read the scriptures with our imaginations and wonder many things about many of God’s servants.
Mightier

Seeing David’s words today, I wonder what he thought, and felt, as he played his harp for a demented King Saul. A little earlier, he had been anointed king. He knew God chose him for the throne but at that moment, his time in the palace was as a musician, not a king. When God makes a promise, it’s hard to believe it when we perceive we’ve only taken two steps back. Not only was David just a musician but he was asked to serve the very one who wore the crown promised to him.

How has God brought you low? Has He brought you to a place that seems like you’ve gone backwards? Are you being asked to serve someone who is jealous of you? Pray for someone who despises you? Work for someone who is the poorest of leaders?

I have known seasons of languishing under the umbrella of a ‘frenemy’. (A person with whom one is friendly despite a fundamental dislike or rivalry.) As I look back, I have many things I regret but I can see that God teaches two things when He brings His child to a low place.

1.) Humility. It is imperative for me to learn to serve others as Jesus served.

2.) The nature of evil. Seasons in which I’m asked to draw close to someone who has it in for me gives me an ‘up close and personal’ experience with ungodliness. This makes me street smart, not only about my own sinful heart, but about those who will cross my path in the future. If I can see this time as being in God’s schoolroom, the time He needs to teach me life skills that are life saving, then I will find peace.

Ultimately, I need to realize that when I see a wilderness as punishment, this is spiritual immaturity. God never takes His child two steps backward. The journey is upward and steady.

 

No matter how I feel about today, You are teaching me to walk like You. Teach me humility through obedience and wisdom through observing. In Jesus name, Amen

When The ‘Living Dead’ Describes Me

My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word.  Psalm 119:25

There is the expression, “Something in me died.” Sadly to say, I have experienced it personally a number of times in my past.  It was my soul talking.  I remember the sinking feeling, a kind of bending toward the earth.  My body felt like lead.  The first time the sensation came over me, I discovered my mother was going to die.  It happened again some years later when I uncovered a plot of betrayal by someone I trusted in ministry.  Once more when traumatic news reached my ears about a family member, and then one last time when I was disappointed beyond what I believed I could survive.  My soul clung to the dust and I wondered at the possibility of passing the next many decades in front of me with a body very much alive but a soul that already felt like it had expired.

How was I revived?  By nurturing the only part of me that contained the powerful seeds of life ~ my spirit; the place where the Word dwells.  “His word is alive and sharper than any two edged sword.” His Word is more powerful than any disappointment or disease.  His Word mends a heart that appears irrevocably ripped in two.  His Word has cured the sick and even raised the dead. Whether that death is physical or spiritual makes no difference.  By surrendering my thoughts and feelings to the power of the Word, and then by asking God to open my heart to breath His very life into me, I began to experience my own resurrection.

Glowing Bible with light coming from the pages.

I can make a mistake reading scripture.  I can perceive that David’s words in today’s text is just a bit dramatic.  If any of us have lived near someone histrionic, we run away from strong emotional statements and tone them down, at least 50%, to arrive at the truth.  But if you’ve faced the dark times, you know that David’s expression is literal.  “The living dead” describes those who breathe but live as though dead.  Ah, but the Word shakes us out of our graves if we lean on it with all of our weight.  It promises life abundant if we put all our hope in it.  Finally, I remember that ‘it’ is not a Word, but the very person of Christ.

Every day, I decide to put all my hope in You.  There is life in no other.  This is not depression, this is my commitment to live abundantly.  Thank you for teaching me this – though the way was hard, Lord.  Amen

When My Heart Is Dull

Wilt thou not revive us again: that thy people may rejoice in thee?  Psalm 85:6

I’ve known periods in my life that I would have described as a wilderness. I couldn’t seem to hear God’s voice. I believe that my pain veiled His whispers. He was there with me but I couldn’t sense it. He was guiding me but I couldn’t discern it. I felt alone and it was a spiritual battle to just believe that I wasn’t alone.   Many times, I lost it and my theology went south

I’ve also known periods where God seemed very much alive and engaged with me. So much of what I read impacted me like electricity to my spirit. Answers to prayer came in quick succession. My pen couldn’t seem to capture the litany of things I was being taught by God. I lived on a mountaintop for almost the entire year of 2008. Every day of my journal reads with the intensity of someone in love.

But then there is that place in the middle – in between being fully alive and fully exiled in the wilderness. It’s called ‘no man’s land.’ There may be inspiring moments but mostly, ‘no man’s land’ requires spiritual discipline to walk faithfully. It’s confusing, too. You’d be hard pressed to describe what is wrong. It’s a nagging malaise. Your heart is dull. Nothing seems to thrill and spiritual appetite is just absent. After so much time in ‘no man’s land, you’d give anything just to feel again.

Art portrait of a beautiful young sadly girl standing at the window watching the rain

What precipitates a journey into numbness? The crash after a mountaintop. The day after a victorious battle. The period following prolonged stress. A season during which multiple changes are occurring. The flesh is tired. The heart is spent. Only God knows how to restore and revive.

Praying David’s prayer is the beginning of healing.

“Revive me, Lord! I’m bringing my lifeless heart to you. Something has dulled it. I don’t know myself well enough to even diagnose why I’m in this condition. All I know is ~ I want to want You again. I want to be thrilled by Your voice. I want to be alive to Your Word. I’m a long way away. You are my Physician and Counselor and can give life to my lifeless heart. Revive me, I pray. In Jesus name, Amen”

Reconciliation Is Too Rare

Let those who fear you turn to me, that they may know your testimonies.  Psalm 119:79

Some believe that David wrote these words after he plotted the murder of Uriah, Bathsheba’s husband.  Because of his sin, some of God’s servants walked away from him.  He was lonely for their fellowship and asked God to bring reconciliation.

Relationships face many seasons.  In the summer, there is warmth and ease of fellowship.  By the arrival of winter, there can be strain and coldness.  Intimacy comes and goes and it usually disappears because the spiritual connection was lost.  One will continue to walk closely with Christ while the other takes a turn away from discipleship.  Their values are no longer shared and heartfelt fellowship is eroded.

 

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When There’s a Rub

All the wicked of the earth you discard like dross, therefore I love your testimonies.  Psalm 119:118

In the process of refining silver, the dross and the pure silver must cohabit.  It is at the end that the dross is isolated and then removed.

Though I am called to mingle with others for a time, and though we often appear to be made of the same substance, it’s not always true.  Eventually, we will be examined and separated.  God will discard the wicked (those who reject Him) like dross.  As God’s child, I feel the pain of this kind of cohabitation.  It can happen in a subtle and not-so-subtle form.

SUBTLE:  Everyone in church looks the same.  They carry similar bibles; even tote the latest bible study workbook.  It is hard to tell silver from dross.  Only Jesus really knows who is His and who is not.  Yet, I can feel the spiritual rub when I pray or attempt to fellowship with certain people.  They bend the values of the kingdom to their advantage by propagating unconditional love, acceptance, and tolerance.  Scriptural concepts, wrongly interpreted, are held over the heads of God’s children who are not prayerfully discerning.  ‘Discerning’ is labeled ‘judgmental’ and then false guilt begins to plague the one who should have listened to the Spirit instead of people.

To have to co-exist is uncomfortable and often confusing as I try to fellowship with those who privately reject Christ and use the church as an instrument to gain a platform.  The kingdom clash is not perfectly clear as pretenses veil the state of their heart.  What I have often chalked up to a personality clash can be far more serious.  Dross and silver are in the same pot but not yet separated.

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When You’re Out Of Living Water

If your law had not been my delight, I would have perished in my affliction.  Psalm 119:92

In the morning, drink a tall glass of water.  Then spend the rest of the day in a cool house, reading a book in your favorite chair.  It just might be that you won’t feel thirsty again till dinnertime.  If pressed, you could probably go till the next morning without feeling a crippling thirst.  Why?  Nothing depleted your system of water.

Every morning, I take a drink of living water.  If the day is relatively stress free, that drink will easily sustain me.  I won’t feel an intense thirst for more because that which might deplete it is absent.  Let the fires burn intensely however and I will be on my knees in prayer, in the Word, fortifying myself with fresh supplies of living water.  Trekking through stressful territory taxes my spiritual resources.  The heated exercise leaves me in a weakened state.  It is like a seasoned athlete who treks through the desert heat without any provisions.

umbrella-in-the-summer-rain

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The Name In My Subconscious

I remember your name in the night, O Lord, and keep your law.  Psalm 119:55

Who’s name is on your tongue in the middle of the night?  When we wake out of a deep sleep, a little groggy, conscious but not yet fully awake, we often speak a name.  It’s almost always the identity of someone written deeply in our hearts.  A child, a lover, a spouse, a parent.  Is it ever Jesus?

The themes of my subconscious tell a lot about me.  My affections and subconscious thoughts come out in dreams.   If I spend much of my time meditating on the Word, asking the Holy Spirit to teach me, then the nighttime is one of the times He does His deepest work.  He is the great surgeon of the subconscious.  The seeds that I planted in the light continue to work on me while I sleep.  The renewing of my mind probably happens while I am no longer consciously awake.

I love the thought that the Lord’s name is on my lips – by default – no matter the time of day.  If something wonderful happens, “Thank you Lord” falls off my lips.  Something alarming occurs, and “Lord, help” follows.  When someone in a hard place comes to mind, “Lord, I lift them to you” rolls off my tongue.  As I live each moment, I share it with Him.

It is easier to keep God’s ways if His name is predominant in my heart.  Because He is ever present in the forefront of my mind, I aim to please.  Loving Him is my great privilege and highest joy.  Awake or asleep, He consumes my thoughts.

Day and night, I breathe Your name like a prayer.  Amen

When I Feel Nothing

Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things our of thy law.  Psalm 119:18

Believing eyes are able to behold the wonder of the kingdom.  A spiritual truth is sought after, it is recognized as having more value than anything on this earth, and it is often so stunning that the one reading it sees it through eyes filled with tears.  Unbelieving eyes see nothing of its beauty.  The Word speaks a different language.  It is not attractive nor understandable.  Most of it sounds outrageous, and at the very least, foolish.

Oftentimes, on the days when I need His Word the most, I am blinded by my own pain. I have unbelieving eyes.  Emotions run hot and I only see words on a page.  What pierced my heart a week ago doesn’t speak to me today.  Trials can be numbing.

I might lack eyesight because of an illness in my body.  When the flesh is out of sorts, the beauty and luster can be obscured.  The worst thing I can do in either of these cases is chalk it all up to a bad day and shut out the scriptures.  When I’m numb to my need, my need is the greatest!  When I’m incapable of connecting, God wants nothing more than to help me.

Woman with hair blowing in the wind breathing deeply and looking up wearing a leather jacket with a blurred nature background

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When Is An Apology Sufficient?

Great is your mercy, O Lord.  Psalm 119:156

When I’ve wronged someone, how many times do I have to say “I’m sorry” for mercy to be shown?  In this world, the greater the offense, the more times a repeated apology is necessary.  Restitution can be steep as the other party decides what it’s going to take to make them happy.  It’s usually something that, in their eyes, equals the severity of the crime.

Jesus paid my debt to God.  His death was saying to His Father, “I’m sorry”, on my behalf.  Sorry for rebelling, for glorifying myself, for spurning His love.  All I have to do to access God’s merciful response is acknowledge my sin and ask for forgiveness.  Then, it’s mine.  No reservations.  Nothing given piece-meal.  God does not require a repentance that is steep enough to match my crime.  Jesus already gave that. God forgives when I ask the first time and washes the condemnation away.  The memory of my offense is out of sight and behind His back.

Is. 30:18 “The Lord waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy toward you.” What about the times I’m a prodigal?  What of the times I go off and really blow it with God?  The offense is so bad that I dread the thought of ever being in God’s presence again.  Surely, I will be struck dead.  I’ll feel a sense of His displeasure for years to come, right?  Because look how badly I sinned.  Satan writes and directs this mini-movie that plays out in the hearts of the afraid.  God is portrayed as the angry, spurned Father who will never truly be satisfied with a simple, sincere apology.

My Father is just waiting to be gracious to me.  He has mercy in His hands.

Helping a friend in need

On the tip of His tongue is the cry for a party to be given to honor my homecoming.  For any who have transgressed, then come limping home, we testify to the great love of the Father that envelopes us the moment we repent. In the presence of so great a love, we wonder why in the world we waited so long to find our way home.

There aren’t the words to truly convey what your mercy is like.  Show us and send our preconceived ideas packing.   Amen

When It Feels Like a Broken Promise

Confirm to your servant your promise, that you may be feared.  Psalm 119:38

The human soul can be so tossed about by trouble that a once confirmed promise from God is shaken loose from its foundation.  God gave it, even confirmed it initially, but now the words feel hollow.  The promise has little effect on a heart full of fear and uncertainty.  There is no rest in the Word because there is little trust left.  Pain has eroded it.

Close up of crossed fingers behind a woman's back
Close up of crossed fingers behind a woman’s back

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