Author: Christine Wyrtzen

Lord, one I care about deeply has a heart of stone.  You see the walls they built long ago to protect themselves from a world that felt unsafe.  Only you can scale the heights to reach them. Only You have the language to woo them in a way that feels non-threatening.  The barriers they built have spanned a lifetime.  

It is not your desire that anyone live in isolation.  They need a new heart, one that You long to give them.  You said, 

“I will give you a new heart, and I will put a new spirit in you.  I will take out your stony, stubborn heart and give you a tender, responsive heart.   Ezekiel 26:36 

Lead them to someone who will help them work through their brokenness, who will encourage them to grieve what they’ve never had, and who will offer to carry them to You to be their refuge.  You are the one who replaces hearts of stone with hearts that beat, hearts that feel and embrace connection.  Give them the faith to respond to Your invitation to dwell in safety.  Show them that they need not protect themselves from You. No one who has ever trusted in You has ever been put to shame. 

Break through the fog. Melt the ice.  Reveal Yourself so that they may see Your glory and live. It is by the name of Jesus that I pray these things. Amen 

Much has been said already about people who possess a heart of stone.  What hasn’t been explained is how stoney hearts are formed in the first place. 

Origins can go all the way back to pre-birth.  We know that babies feel things in the womb.  If he has heard his mother cry, contemplate abortion, and curse her circumstances, his view of himself and the world will be affected. Before he takes his first gasp of air, he already knows whether or not he is welcome.  Instead of eagerly reaching out to bond with his mother, or father, he will hide in some kind of shell.  He knows it is not safe to extend himself. 

If a small child lives in a violent home, or witnesses repeated episodes of violence outside the home, these cause him to draw into himself.  Trauma turns him inward.  Trauma freezes development.   Trauma isolates. 

Living with harsh criticism also creates stony hearts.  No child feels safe if he feels he can’t do anything right.  He walks on eggshells, always trying to conform to whatever image will earn him approval and peace.  He knows he can’t be himself, so he reigns in his thoughts and keeps conversations short.  He matures into someone who feels it’s risky to be authentic. 

The Gospel is beautiful to everyone who believes.  But for those who grew up hiding from others, even more so.  They realize that God loves them just as He created them and invites them to come out of the shadows, to shed the grave clothes and step into resurrection light.  They are welcomed through adoption.  Intimacy with the Father is risk-free.  A new child of God breathes deeply of kingdom oxygen and realizes there are no more reasons to walk on eggshells.  Perfect Love casts out fear. 

Most likely, we are all in a relationship with someone who has a heart of stone.  Their needs overwhelm us, their expectations are high even to the point of perfection. There are common characteristics among those who have hearts of stone.  

1. They are incapable of receiving, and giving, love.  They walled off their hearts early in life to self-protect.  In so doing, they saved themselves from feeling the pain of other’s neglect and abuse.  But the self-imposed walls also prevented them from receiving the love others attempted to give.  It didn’t feel save to be loved and their reservoir of love still runs on empty. 

Those with hearts of stone either won’t let you love them (and will be angry when you try to) or they will let you spend your love but they won’t really internalize it.  Tomorrow, their needs will be just as great.  Remember this ~ No one can give away what they haven’t first possessed for themselves.  

In the middle of a Prayer Mapping Event, a senior woman approached me with tears in her eyes.  “I’ve been married for 68 years,” she said.  “I’ve tried everything to love my husband over the years but he remains cold.  I thought it was all my fault but today, I realize that he has a heart of stone.”

2.  They are draining because love doesn’t stick. We call such people ‘bottomless pits.’  It’s like pouring water into a glass with no floor in it.  Instead of filling up the container, the liquid drains out all over the floor.  If you’re the person who spends time and energy pouring love into them, it won’t take long to feel like it’s a futile endeavor.  Every day, you’re forced to acknowledge that everything you did yesterday had no lasting effect.  (Only Jesus can cure a heart of stone and that will be the topic in a few chapters.)

Those with a heart of stone believe we should always be there when they need us, that we should make them the center of our world, that we should put our lives on hold until their needs are met. If the one with a heart of stone is an angry person, they won’t request this, they will demand it and make your life miserable if you refuse to give what they believe they are entitled to.

3. They are void of conscience, and therefore, they have no remorse when they have wronged you.  God addressed this topic in the book of Isaiah as he described these kinds of people.  “Were they ashamed because of what they’ve done?  They were not ashamed at all.  They didn’t even know how to blush.”  Jeremiah 8:12   When you are wronged by someone with a heart of stone, they will be unmoved about the damage they have caused.  The best you will get from them is a massive minimization of the offense.  Destructive words will be categorized as a joke, or mild insult.  You will be labeled ‘too sensitive.’   

If you love someone who has never been remorseful for their actions, it may be helpful to consider the reason why.  It won’t make the hurt disappear but it will bring some understanding as to the ‘why’ of their absent apology.  

Mollie, one of our golden retrievers, came to us at 4 years old with a rough story. Put out in a woman’s backyard, rarely brought in and poorly fed, she was a victim of the heat, cold, and severe weather.  Though we certainly spoiled her in every possible way while she was alive, she was needy.  She constantly begged for food and pawed someone for attention.  Though she came to us a bit withdrawn, once she got a taste of love, she couldn’t get enough.   She watched us eat our meal as she sat eye level with the table, her ears perked up, waiting for a morsel of something.  She was so hard to resist and we would fall for pitiful eyes.  I’d say to Ron, “Just give her one piece so she’s satisfied.”  I should have known better.  Once she had a bite, the pestering got worse.

People are a lot like that.  All of us grow up with imperfect relationships.  Those with happier childhoods don’t seem to live with that gaping hole in their heart but if you come from profound deprivation, you are aware of a bottomless pit no one can fill.  The more you’ve been hurt, the higher the expectations you have of the people in your life.  Why?  Probably because the stakes are high.  You don’t want to be hurt again so you feel the need to make the test for love and sincerity steep! If you have not found your home in Jesus, you experience needs that feel monumental.   You might think that one gesture of love, one compliment, one affirmation will make a dent in making your heart feeling fuller.  But nothing satisfies because the void is God-shaped.  Other’s compassion can easily morph into an unhealthy attachment.

Are you in an unsatisfying relationship? Perhaps you’d admit that the other person has often come through for you, but they just don’t do it often enough or well enough. What has been meaningful in the past is blurred by your ongoing need for more. You want more proof, deeper proof, that you are important and that their love is true. The unfortunate thing is that the more you need, the more the other person backs up. Anger and distrust are soon to follow.

High expectations are met in the love of Christ, but let me qualify.   He has already proven His love.  He came to me when I was His enemy.  He died for my crimes as if He committed them Himself.  He’s given me His heart and nature and shares His eternal inheritance.  This love exceeds all expectations.  So, I have to be careful that, in my immaturity, I don’t come to God with a list of demands.  “If you love me, then You’ll do ‘this.’”  His love is already perfect.  Picking up my cross is not the same as God withholding.  He is not a Father of deprivation but of extravagance.  

I must ask God to help me come out from my hiding places, the stony places where I self-protect, and to help me meet Him by faith in all my places of deprivation.  It won’t happen in an instant.  It will be a journey where I grieve what I didn’t have, press into what He promises, and re-write the expectations of my heart with the Word and the presence of the Spirit.  He does make all things new ~ even what we fear has been long dead.

Lord, You’ve shown me that idols are not only things, but people.  You are jealous for my affection but my attachment to others has kept me from turning to You for what You alone can give me.  You want me to sever those soul ties, those unhealthy connections, which exist between me and other people.  I am not to be controlled, nor control, anyone else.  

I realize that I am tied to this other person just as surely as if a spiritual umbilical cord connected us.  Only You can sever that cord.  I want to be be free to put You at the center of my life.  Though that decision will be hurtful to them and they will feel a shift in our relationship, it is what honors you. Give me the strength to make the change, and give them the grace to also turn to You in their hurt and confusion.

You are my caretaker, the One to whom my soul belongs. So, in the name of Jesus, I sever the soul tie between me and _______________.  I repent for my unholy attachment to them and ask You to forgive me.  I render the soul tie with them null and void under the cross of Calvary.  Bind me to You, Lord.  I take all expectations off my past relationship with them and look to You for wholeness.  Amen

We, brethren, have been bereft of you for a short while – in person, not in spirit – were all the more eager with great desire to see your face.  I Thessalonians 2:17

Paul was in Corinth when he wrote this to the believers in Thessalonica. Though they were geographically separated, they were together in spirit.  He felt it.  The Holy Spirit, in him, was connected to the Holy Spirit, in them.

Spirit ties are healthy, conceived by God.  The common denominator in their unity is the Holy Spirit who binds people together.  This very phenomenon is what makes for a great marriage and enduring and strong friendships. God desires that all of His children fatten their Spirit, that place where His Spirit speaks, so that one Spirit-filled believer can connect to another Spirit-filled believer.  The result is a bond that spans distance and time.  It will take them into eternity where their relationship will continue where it left off on earth.  

This is what it looks like.   

The Spirit in one believer recognizes the Spirit in another and they reach out to each other to fellowship on a rich level.  They don’t expect each other to be perfect.  Each knows that the other desires to love as Jesus loves but there will be times they are each imperfect.  Both know that they live and breathe by God alone.  His daily manna sustains them. 

Soul ties are powerful blind spots.  To assess each one correctly, I need to be prayerful.  The Holy Spirit will show me where I feel drained of energy, where I feel dominated and even where I am the controller.  With divine wisdom, He will lead me to make adjustments in the relationship.  Some of my relationships will be saved as both of us are willing to submit our needs and desires to Jesus.  But when my other person is unwilling, angry and even vindictive, God will give me the grace to stay the course ~ even if it means re-defining the relationship.     

Because I love Jesus, I want to reach out to those who need Him.  I pray they will experience Him in our relationship and come to desire Him as their treasure.  While this is the ultimate goal, the spiritual mechanics of making it all work in the context of ministry and people’s sinfulness, including my own, make it very messy.

Are you ministering to someone that drowns you?  You see their name on caller ID and your body sinks.  Those nearby see it in your body language.  You wonder if you have the energy for the phone call because you’re learning that you just can’t give enough.  You poured yourself out just two days ago but they’ll need you to do it all over again.  Apparently, what you gave just didn’t ‘stick’.  Their needs were too profound.  You feel that if you pull away to save yourself from burning out, you will damage their view of God.  Such is the nature of navigating soul ties in ministry.

It is far easier for a hurting person to seek the ‘Jesus in you’ than to seek Jesus for themselves.  So while your motive may be to love them on behalf of Jesus (so that they will turn to Him), many will latch on to you and try to live off your faith instead.  Second hand faith starts out well but ends up in idolatry.

The goal of helping anyone hurting is to listen, empathize and comfort, take them to Jesus, and then know when to back up so He can speak to them.  We must be teaching others how to interact with God through His Word and prayer; meditating, studying, applying scripture, and connecting with Him in prayer.  Discipling doesn’t mean carrying.  It means delivering them to the arms of Christ so that He can carry.

If you have someone in your life that communicates exclusivity, be careful. “Only you really understand me.”  “Only you make me feel better when I’m in crisis.”  These are the foundations of soul ties if left unchecked.  Equipping those I serve with adequate spiritual skills is the most loving thing I can do for another’s spiritual growth.

Parents don’t have to be living for adult children to live in captivity to a soul tie.  There’s nothing more painful than someone who has died and left the ones who remain with no closure.  Issues were never addressed.  Explanations were never made.  Affirmations were never given.  Apologies were never offered.  

My mother died when I was thirty years old.  She didn’t talk much about her early life and I had tons of questions I was too shy to ask.  Because her silence was rooted in trauma, her ability to speak life, and love, was measured.  Thankfully, her actions were nurturing but words were still coveted.  After she died, I lived many years wishing I’d had more time.  I thought of all the ways I could have broached subjects if she’d lived longer. I imagined intimate conversations we could have had where she would finally bond with me.  Attachment would have been satisfied.  My grief was unending and complicated. 

This ‘if only’ kind of ruminating pointed so clearly to a soul tie that needed to be broken.  Not only did I live in the ache of un-spoken words, I carried my mother’s pain, the very pain that caused her to withhold the words in the first place.  I had to lay both down at the feet of Jesus.  That took years. 

I wonder what happens in the heart of adult children as they visit parents’ graves.  If the tears could speak, oh, the heartaches we would hear!  The ‘if only’s’ would abound.  Regrets about what was said or wasn’t said, what was done or wasn’t done, would be rehearsed.  Magical thinking would also be present and would torment.  “If I had been a different person, or just done what they’d asked, they would have loved me.”  Death brings a finality that is both painful and comforting.  Painful because nothing more can be done to improve the relationship.  But comforting because we can get off the treadmill of trying so hard to get loved.

God can work His works of grace no matter what.  The indwelling fullness of the Holy Spirit is never more palpable than when experienced in vast emptiness.  

Parents and children can easily develop soul ties.  A mother who has known limited opportunities and frustrated dreams often tries to live her life through her child.  Because she wants the emotional payoff and/or the attention that goes with her child’s success, she smothers them.  That dynamic continues into the child’s adulthood.

Parent/child relationships are complicated but anywhere there is manipulation or domination, you can be sure a soul tie exists.  The best thing someone in the relationship can do is to break the soul tie by repenting of it in prayer, by asking God to sever it, and then consciously turning to Christ for the very things the other person was providing.  

I’ve had more than one person say to me, “If I stop meeting this person’s needs, things will fall apart.  I am the fixer in the family.”  But here’s the thing.  Sometimes things need to fall apart in order for God to put things back together.  One day in prayer, the Holy Spirit spoke to me about a certain relationship. “Stop standing in the way of them coming to me!  They need the pain to turn their face my direction.”

So many adults have a soul tie with a parent even though they are upwards in age.  They visit them a nursing home or in an assisted living facility and try, in every visit, to get their parent to tell them what they long to hear.  Unable to forgive the withholding, the soul tie continues to play out, demanding something from parents won’t, or can’t, give what’s expected.  First, no parent can give away what, first, they have not experienced for themselves!  And secondly, some people have been ruined by sin and are simply unwilling to love.  Both reasons are tragic and adult children need to grieve, forgive, and cast all their hope on Christ.  He invites us to live in Him.  

Finally, this is usually the last thing any of us want to do.  We think what we need most is what parents haven’t yet given.  That is a mirage.  Behind it is the freedom and abundant life Christ offers but the only way to experience it is to let go of our idols.