Author: Christine Wyrtzen

My salvation and my honor rest on God, my strong rock; my refuge is in God. Trust in Him at all times, O people; pour out your hearts before Him.  God is our refuge.  Selah   Psalm 62:7-8 

Washing my offender’s feet in prayer became my template.  (It still is.)  The process of doing it daily spanned the course of several months.  Just as David had to affirm things out loud in today’s scripture, I had to make audible confessions that centered on truths like these:  Lord, You will come to my rescue.  Your honor is really all that’s important.  My trust is in You.  I will pour out my heart to You and You will be gracious to help me when I can’t continue in my own strength.

Each day when I went to prayer ~

1. I pictured myself sitting on the stool.  My offender was in the chair and I was attempting to wash her feet as Jesus did the disciples.  My struggle was ever before me, and I talked to Jesus about how I was feeling.  Every day was a crisis as I wanted to flee the scene.  
2. I felt the hurt of her offenses as I reviewed every detail of them.  This was not some cerebral exercise but a purging of my heart.  I asked all the questions that erupt when painful events are re-visited.  “Why?” “How could you?” “Did I really deserve this?”  These were honest feelings but, in them, I also saw my own sense of entitlement.
3. Over time, I saw the nature of my tears change.  For a few weeks, they were tears of anger and injustice.  I couldn’t imagine I would ever get beyond them.  After crying, my face broke out into an ugly rash where the tears came down.  It quickly dawned on me that the tears I had held inside were toxic to my body.  What would they have done to me internally if I’d held them in for another 10 years!   Eventually, I came to peace with God’s sovereign rule over my life, and the nature of my tears changed.  They were no longer angry tears but quiet tears that reflected submission and trust.  I realized that God allowed betrayal to become a theme in my storyline.  I shared in some of the sufferings of Jesus, and because of His resurrection, I chose to believe that my pain could also lead to something redemptive.
4. God showed me that He qualifies the kinds of tears we cry. Israel wept when they were taken into captivity.  God told them that their tears were for deliverance from pain, not because they were mourning their sin.  Understanding that, I knew I had to continue washing her feet in prayer until the bitter tears changed to surrender to God’s providence.
5. Many months later, deep in my spirit, I heard Jesus say.  “Well done.”  I was free.

Still, every now and then, there are days I still have to wash her feet in prayer.  I discover new evidence of the damage she caused.  Each time, I need the wind of the Spirit to fuel obedience.

Jesus, You washed Your disciple’s feet on the eve of their desertion of Your darkest hour.  You didn’t withhold from them in disillusionment. Give me that same grace. Amen 

You call Me Teacher and Lord, and rightly so, because I am. So if I, your Lord and Teacher, have washed your feet, you also should wash one another’s feet. I have set you an example so that you should do as I have done for you. John 13:13-15

We’ve worked our way through what forgiveness is, what it is not, and also given thought as to why it’s so hard. Hopefully, you’ve allowed your heart to open up to old wounds that are yet unhealed in hopes of being freed from the torment of remembering. I suspect it’s been difficult and you’ve wondered how this series would come to a conclusion. Would there be instruction, then closure? The answer is yes. I hope you are poised to take action because these next few days are pivotal to take you to the freedom God promises.

I have been humbled by what God’s forgiveness of repentant sinners really looks like. It is only through feeling gratitude that I can think of giving away the same gift. It is only then that I am able to ache to live a different way….a way that is realized when forgiveness is worked out between God and me for my offender. If so, what’s next?

I asked that in May of 1997 as God showed me that I had not forgiven someone who hurt me over the course of many years. It was entangled and messy. As I asked God how to begin, He took me to this passage in John. I panicked and then thought about what it would take to wash this person’s feet. I began to talk to God about it everyday in prayer. I spent the next three months working on this. This is what happened.

My prayer time became all about forgiveness. I couldn’t think of much else.

I could see a foot washing scene in my mind as I prayed. A basin. A stool. A chair. And a pitcher of water.

My offender came and sat in the chair. I took my place on the stool.  I could sense Jesus near, watching me.

In my anger, I momentarily wished the basin was filled with scalding water as my hurt fully resurfaced. Immediately, I had to deal with my desire for vengeance.

I began to wash her feet and for many weeks, I re-lived the experience and began to pour out my hurt. What that looked like will be for tomorrow. Until then, think about whether this foot washing ‘template’ would be helpful to you.  If you decide to proceed, and that will take courage, Jesus is waiting to help you.

Jesus, I need You because with You all things are possible. Amen

Forgiveness is messy. Why would I look forward to that! It will require a review of what’s painful, asking God to show me how I internalized it, feeling anger, grieving a loss of some kind, and many other things not easy to navigate. I fear that if I start feeling angry or begin to grieve deeply, I’ll never be able to escape the cycle.  

What’s the safe alternative? The one the church so often adopts, a paradigm that goes like this ~ A person goes forward during an invitation, they kneel at the altar, they cry a few tears and tell God that they will forgive their offender. They get up and truly believe that it’s finished. Issue and person forgiven.

This person’s brief encounter with the edges of forgiveness leads others in their Christian community to expect them to be all better. When this person’s heart fails and hurts again, they will beat themselves up over being a failure of a Christian. And if they confess their struggles to another, they will probably hear sermons that stir up added layers of guilt.  

What is the answer? To understand that forgiveness is not cerebral, nor is it momentary. The bigger the hurt, the longer the process, and the messier it is. I must not surround myself with confidants who have the false expectations of an unbiblical kind of forgiveness. To be vulnerable to hardliners who diminish God-given emotions  is a mistake. I don’t know what they would have done with Jesus when He modeled a very wide emotional spectrum. He was free to express joy and also free to grieve to the point of sweating drops of blood. We here in the western world have numbed out to the extremes. We believe that to be stoic is to be holy.  

If you are one who has walked the aisle, said the words, cried briefly, and then wondered why – with time – you didn’t feel much better, perhaps you have been the victim of poor teaching and unreasonable expectations. What should you do? Start over. Find a journey partner or prayer partner. Be yourself and acknowledge what you have been afraid to disclose to anyone, including yourself. God already knows it’s there. He will lead you into the dark, by faith, and turn on the light as you go. 

I will lead the blind by ways they have not known, along unfamiliar paths I will guide them; I will turn the darkness into light before them and make the rough places smooth. Isaiah 42:16 

After teaching on forgiveness, I give an invitation to women to respond, to indicate publicly that they are ready to follow Jesus in the lifestyle of forgiveness.  I encourage them to abdicate their self-imposed right to sit on the throne of judgement and give God back His place as sovereign Ruler.  I ask any who are ready to do this to stand and then lift one hand toward heaven and say,  “Long Live The King!”  Oh, how I wish I could take each of you with me to witness what happens. 

The battle begins. Some people do it quickly as God prepared their heart to desire freedom and the things of the Spirit.  But for most, the struggle to respond is evident in their body language.  Tears flow, weeping can be heard, and there are tentative beginnings of arms slowly being raised.  But then, they are lowered again.  Raised/lowered; this battle continues.  Other than salvation, I believe this is the biggest spiritual war any child of God faces.

I’ve had women tell me, “No matter how hard I try, I just can’t do it.  I don’t have it in me to forgive this person.”  I assure them that I know this is true.  They do not have it in them.  That’s because forgiveness is not natural, it’s supernatural.  What’s natural (and of the flesh) is revenge, and how we love to fantasize about it! 

When I can’t forgive, I cry out to the God for help.  He offers it no matter how great my need may be.  His Spirit, inside of me, is ready to equip me for obedience. He infuses me with grace.  Yes, it’s a war.  Everything in me says that someone has to make them pay, someone needs to make sure things are fair, and if I don’t do it – I fear God won’t.  This is the language of the devil and once I know that, I can reject those thoughts and focus on what the Spirit is saying in the Word.  His way leads to life and freedom.  Satan’s way leads to anger and bondage.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.  For the flesh craves what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh.  Galatians 5:16-17 

If someone in my family had been one of the casualties of 9/11, would it have been hard to forgive the pilots who hijacked the planes that leveled the World Trade Center?  If my parents had been victims of the Holocaust in Auschwitz, would it be hard to forgive Adolph Hitler?  The worse the crime and the more personal it is, the more the ability to forgive is impaired.  

It’s easy to forgive lesser sins committed against me.  It’s also easier to forgive someone when they have hurt me rather than someone close to me.  I wonder if every person has a hidden category in their heart of sins they consider unforgivable.  I suspect it’s pretty common.  When that awful thing happens, we relegate the person who did it into a special category of people.  We believe that this person is outside the veil of a pardon.  His crime was too great.  You’ve heard this saying, right?  “I can forgive most things but definitely not that!”  

Aren’t you glad God doesn’t have special categories of sins?  The Apostle Paul admitted that of all sinners, he was the worst of them.  I believe it’s Steve Brown, the founder of Key Life, who said, “I am the worst sinner I know.”  I often feel that way.  It’s humbling to come to realize that God’s heart is driven by love and mercy and mine is not.  I have limits.  He does not.  If He did, I wouldn’t be His child.

What do I do when I come up against an offense so devastating that I swear I just don’t have it in me to extend forgiveness?  I talk to God about it and confess it.  “Lord, I’m not like You.  I don’t understand your radical love and mercy.  It is simply out of reach for me to produce it.  Forgive me.  Give me a heart of mercy like yours and the grace to extend it.  Live through me and do what I can not do.”

If Hitler had seen Jesus in all of His glory, moments before he died, and then cried out to be saved, would he be in heaven?  Absolutely.  At that point, he’d be no different than the thief on the cross.  When I think I’m better than he is, or my sin hasn’t offended God as badly, I have work to do.  I must ask the Holy Spirit to obliterate my special categories.

This is a faithful and trustworthy statement, deserving full acceptance and approval, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, among whom I am foremost. I Timothy 1:15

When I am isolated from others, I lose perspective about the story of my life. It becomes normalized which is dangerous because ‘normal’ can very well mean ‘unhealthy’. My story also becomes cobwebbed and no matter how much I try to make sense of it, wisdom is lost in the complicated weave of the strands. Sooner rather than later, I need someone to listen to some personal stories so that clarity can come. 

I have found that until I tell my story to someone, I don’t have an accurate perspective of it. It isn’t until there is a safe, empathetic listener, that I can begin to sort things out. Sometimes, I surprise myself at what I’ve been holding inside. Speaking something makes it become real. Unspoken pain remains surreal and is easier to ignore. 

One who is righteous is a guide to his neighbor, but the way of the wicked leads them astray. Proverbs 12:26

How does this pertain to forgiveness? If my story is locked inside, swirling around without clear definition, I will be unclear as to what and whom I should forgive. If I need to forgive a blamer, chances are that I have assumed the guilt they have imposed like a sponge. I can’t sort it out myself. If I’m someone who minimizes my pain, I won’t forgive the real offense. I’ll say, “Maybe it really wasn’t all that bad.” 

A Jesus-kind of listener will give me a barometer for assessing how good or bad something was. I’ve never had real clarity about something important without talking about it first. I’m a very private person so that is difficult for me. I’m the kind who only makes a few close friends.  I share almost nothing personal on Facebook. I’m an introvert and that puts me in the minority. Introverts can get lost in their head where extroverts tend to spill everything without a filter. Only spiritual maturity gives balance to both sides. 

If you find yourself stuck in what you suspect is unforgiveness, could it be that you don’t have clarity about the offense? Maybe you say to yourself, “Maybe I was the one who was wrong.” Or, “Maybe I”m making too big a deal out of this.”  Or even, “Maybe it’s worse than I thought!”It’s probably time to open your heart to someone. 

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules his spirit is better than he who takes a city.  Proverbs 16:32

Forgiveness is hard because ~ there’s a reluctance to let go of toxic anger. 

A woman who suffered one loss after another told me, “I feel like I have lost everything and all I have left is anger.  It makes me feel powerful.  I function on surges of adrenalin.  I even dream of starting a movement to help others who suffer what I have suffered.  How is this bad?” I explained to her, “Because of what anger does to you on the inside.”  

I have learned that there is was freedom I never knew.  It was on the other side of forgiveness.  There was a surge of lasting energy I never guessed was there.  It was on the other side of forgiveness.  There was a mission waiting to be born that would be driven by the wind of the Spirit.  It was on the other side of forgiveness.  Toxic anger only felt good because I hadn’t experienced the gifts of forgiveness waiting for me at the opposite end of the continuum.  

I appreciate this quote by Frederick Beuchner.

“To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over a bitter confrontation still to come, well – in many ways it’s a feast for a king.  The chief drawback is that what you are wolfing down is yourself.  The skeleton at the feast is you.” 

A modern day proverb, one you may have heard before, also sums this up.  “The anger of un-forgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”  This is the lie that Satan wraps in glitter and encourages me to embrace as the truth.  My anger feels good and I believe it will hurt the other person but in reality, I’m the one who has drunk the poison. 

The over-arching question, I believe, is this.  Did Jesus harbor toxic anger?  No. He listened to His Father for the proper immediate response and they were varied.  Walk away.  Stay silent. Speak up because God because your Father was offended.  There was no uniform response.  God showed him incident by incident.  If my anger has been simmering, and it’s old, it’s time to start a fresh page.  Let today be a new day for anyone wasting away under the cancer of unresolved anger.

Are they ashamed of their detestable conduct? No, they have no shame at all; they do not even know how to blush.  Jeremiah 8:12

Forgiveness is hard because ~ the offender doesn’t want forgiveness. 

I can make strong personal vows to never forgive someone for what they did.  I feel so powerful and in control when I withhold it.  It feels like justice.  The problem is ~ the person who offends usually only takes partial, or no responsibility for it.  Because they don’t own it, why would they care if it’s forgiven?  I can think I’m punishing them but in actuality, they are living scot-free and not even thinking about what they did, much less thinking about me.  

Oh, how difficult it is to come to this conclusion.  My so-called punishment of them is really punishing myself.  My heart suffers, my mind suffers as I obsess, and my body suffers the effects of how bitterness is being played out pathologically.  The only one who appears to be thriving is the perpetrator.  

If I watch the evening news for one week, I will undoubtedly hear a victim’s family make this vow.  “I’ll never forgive them for what they did.”  It’s the only sense of control they can seize and it feels weighty.  For the most part, in that moment, they fail to understand that the one who committed the crime doesn’t care about forgiveness withheld.  

I need to conform my thinking to biblical standards.  I don’t choose to forgive because someone has asked for it and I don’t withhold it because someone will suffer if I do.  I choose to forgive because I belong to Jesus and my life is not my own.  As He forgave me, I am to forgive others.  As His pardon of me was outrageous, so mine is to be of the same nature.  

The way of the disciple is a pathway carved out by Jesus.  I place my feet in the sandaled footprints in front of me.  When it’s difficult, and most of it is, I ask for grace.  Forgiveness is the only way I will be free to soar on the pleasures that can be mine in His presence.  I need to just trust God’s promise and I can tell you, personally, that when I have taken the leap, the freedom afforded an energy I never knew existed. 

Your law brings life, even when it doesn’t feel like it will.  Thank you.  Amen

I have often held myself to high and unbiblical standards regarding forgiveness. Like, I should walk the aisle one Sunday, confess my bitterness, and then go away and live with no more inner conflict. This lie is reinforced by the ‘talk’ we Christians have adopted. “Have you forgiven?”  The inference is that no matter how fresh or how old the wound is, forgiveness through a simple prayer forever takes care of the issue.

Peter’s description of Jesus’ life here on earth and how He handled suffering brings insight to this issue. He said, “Christ also suffered for you,leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while they hurled insults at Him, He did not insult in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to His Father who judges righteously.” I Peter 2:1-23  Jesus, modeled a lifestyle where he chose to ‘keep entrusting himself to His Father’ when hurt by people. Every time a wound was inflicted, he was tempted to take revenge but in His holiness, He showed restraint and trusted His Father to rule well over his life. Jesus didn’t forgive others just one time in some general sense. It was moment by moment, offense by offense, person by person.

I’ve received many women at the altar over the years. Some came forward to share their painful stories. The most serious wounds were inflicted by family.  Most of the relationships were still broken and that made forgiveness confusing. I told them that life will have to be characterized by act after act of intentional forgiveness. 

If someone close to you hurt you, you forgave them, but perhaps you wonder why you feel pain all over again when they continue to wound you in the same ways. Shouldn’t yesterday’s forgiveness have taken care of today’s arrows? No. Not for us. Not for Jesus, either.  Forgiveness is a life-style choice, not a one time event.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.  Romans 12:18

Just as it takes two people to have a relationship, it takes two people to rebuild it.  There must be unity, humility, vulnerability, admission of wrongdoing as God defines it, and reconciliation with God for both parties to be able to build something solid. 

More than not, what happens is that one person in the broken relationship either can’t admit what they’ve done or can’t forgive what was done to them. If one is too proud to ask for forgiveness and the other is too proud to offer it, reconciliation can’t be realized.  

Paul said, ‘If it is possible, live at peace.’  The ‘if’ is important to digest because it’s possible, due to people’s sinfulness, to never achieve reconciliation.  Forgiveness only takes one person.  It’s a unilateral act between me and God.  Reconciliation takes two people ~ the offender and the victim ~ coming together in agreement before God about what transpired.  This is the necessary ingredient for there to be the beginnings of a relationship again. 

Most offenders fail to see what they’ve done, however.  They aren’t willing to own it.  Does that mean I can’t have peace and closure in my own heart?  No.  I can still do my part and forgive them.  I take them off my hook and put them on God’s hook.  I yield my rights to play judge and jury and repent of my desire to make them pay.  Then what?  I pray for them and I wait.  I poise myself on the line of reconciliation and wait for that person to seek God and the truth of what caused the broken relationship.  

People in marriages, families and friendships, deeply hurt one another, then offer a generalized, token apology that is pretty meaningless.  “Guess I’m just bad at being married.” Then they consider that an adequate apology and want everything back to normal.  These are not grounds for reconciliation!  We are told to be wise as serpents and harmless as doves.  We get the ‘harmless’ part of the equation and remain inexperienced with the counterpart.  Sometimes, we want peace more than we want truth and rush to patch things up when there is no foundation upon which to build.  

For those of you waiting, God waits to give grace.  For those of you who are about to rush in to an unsafe relationship, God wants to give you pause.